Missing In Action

I realize I've haven't been posting much.

The reason for that is that I've just been feeling extremely unmotivated when it comes to writing stuff on the computer. This is especially true for work. Since my foot injury (which is all healed up now!) I've been completely unmotivated for sitting in front a computer for work/meetings or blog writing. When I was hurt, all I did was work. Now, my mind is just back-lashing at the thought of spending EVEN MORE time at a keyboard. Even if I'm in front of the computer screen, for work, I don't even have the motivation to open up my work programs to get something done. Suffice to say: I'm not making a lot of money. Of course, I have few expenses so that doesn't really matter...

It doesn't help that an opportunity to release some steam hasn't produced itself, when an adventure in upstate New York was canceled the day-of due to Kieran's car dying in Quebec City.

On a more positive note, I have been out living life instead of being cooped up at home. As you can guess by two posts lower, at times I'm sort of going crazy, but I'm still having fun. I've had plenty of mildly interested stories...that I will hopefully write once I get the strength to go through the process.


Oh ya, you should thanks Guy from Chicago - he wrote me an email that kicked me in the ass enough to write this post. Cheers Justin.

Identity - Part 2

Before you read this post, you should probably refresh your memory with Part 1. Ya, I realize it's been quite a wait...

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Part 1 should have given you a sense of the historical antagonism and annoyance that Quebecers (a.k.a. the Quebecois) and all other Canadians seem to have for one-another. The St-Jean and Canada day holidays are symbolic reminders of how these two groups seem to compete and not view each other as equals. Even today, if you ask the average non-Quebec Canadian, they'll show a sort of disdain for the Quebecois. They feel that Quebec doesn't like the rest of Canada (which isn't a too bad assumption since the province tried to separate away twice in the last 30 years), so they in response don't like those whinny Quebecers/French Canadians. Quebecois, especially those who know little or no English, feel that Canada does not have Quebec's best interest and that they just make fun of her French-speaking population. Consequently these Quebecers respond by hating all things non-Quebecois.

This pretty much gives the gist of the political/cultural shit that surrounds me.

If you know anything about me, you should be able to guess that I'm actually sandwiched between these two [stupid] groups of people, who's identities simultaneously include and exclude me. I'm a French-speaking Quebecer/Quebecois, although my first language is English and my parents are British descendant. I'm also an English Canadian, however I also live in Quebec and speak French. I feel both equally, and proudly, attached to both facets of these identities.

Other peoples' perspectives see me differently though: On the streets of Toronto, I'm known as the Frenchie. I once had a business meeting with some salesmen and they actually starting mocking the way I use certain French-style words when speaking English, for example metro instead of subway. Uh, jackasses - and you wonder why I don't like Toronto? (kidding!)
If hanging out with a bunch of French-speaking friends, I'm know as the Anglo (Anglo=anglophone=the name for people who speak English). One of the first times I met a current friend, she asked why I didn't just speak French all the time instead of speaking English. This was followed by the remark that we both live in Quebec province so I shouldn't be speaking English.

As you can sort of guess, the stereotypical viewpoints are just rehashes of the historical Us vs. Them that seems stuck in Quebec and Canada. Unfortunately, Quebec's politicians and advocacy groups have felt it necessary to entrench this disdain for the Others in everyday life. Sometimes it's subtle and other times it isn't. One example is that Quebec license plate used to say La Belle Province - The Beautiful Province, but was changed in 1978 to say Je me souviens - I remember. Although not officially stated, the multiple meaning of je me souviens fall in the realm of I remember myself, I remember my identity, I remember what I/we suffered , I remember my glory. Every car has it's own little nationalistic Quebec message.


Don't get me wrong - I am very proud of my identity. I've come to appreciate my unique vantage point, as the Anglo-Quebecois/Canadian. If anything, I benefit from growing up immersed in two languages and cultures, which help me grasp this mass difference across the world. Although I repeatedly hear these two general remarks, from both, whilst never falling for them:
Non-Quebec Canadians: We hate you Frenchies, because you hate us!
Quebecois: On hait le Canada, parce que vous nous détestent! - We hate Canada because they hate us!
My response to these types of situations are of course:
Me: You're all a bunch of morons.

I've been Missing

My growing anger, which doesn't seem to dissipate on its own like it used to, fuels and churns itself to grow larger and larger. Although it doesn't think for me, the feelings target the memories of those to whom I am closest.

Just when I think I'm at the tipping point - when my thoughts weigh myself against those people and their actions, do my friends pull through.

It happens every time.

I'm not sure if it's just their personalities or if I'm just crazy, in some way or another, but this has become a consistency over the last 2 months.

They are my friends. This rage is...something to which I don't yet completely understand the origin.

And no, this should not make any sense to you.

Sorry, I realize reading these posts are frustrating since they don't mean much to you as a reader.

Identity - Part 1

This is gonna be a 2 part post, so pull up pants (or take them off!) and put your reading glasses on. I've meant to write about this for a while, but just haven't felt like getting all the feeling down.


The past 2 weeks had two significant dates for my part of the world (not counting my birthday!): St-Jean and Canada Day.


Celebrated on June 24th, St-Jean is Quebec's big provincial holiday, where everything is mandatory closed and everyone (regardless of age) is found partying. The day is named for the patron saint of Quebec & French Canadians. No, I have no idea how someone can become a patron saint of a region or entire people...


6 days after Quebec's big holiday, on July 1st, is Canada. As you should be able to guess, it's Canada's big holiday that celebrates our breaking away from Britain to become our own independent country. People celebrate this holiday all across Canada, albeit a lot less in Quebec since a week before was St-Jean.

These two holidays rubbing up against another has always had a more personalized significance to me due to my political, cultural, provincial and national identity.

A quick review of Canada & Quebec history shows us that most of people in Quebec have not gotten along with the majority of people in Canada. Up towards the 1960s, the French-speaking majority of Quebec experienced heavy amounts of prejudice and were regarded as somewhat of a 2nd, lower class. Since the British and French showdown in the mid 18th century, that kicked France out of North America, the British & its English Canadian descendants always regarded French Canadians as people to be pushed out of jobs & higher employment, to be assimilated or just ignored. If visiting Montreal at the beginning of the 1960s, you wouldn't even realize that Quebec had ~5 million French speakers and only 400 000 English speakers, since French would never be heard in the downtown stores, business, hospitals, universities...

Fast-forwarding the 1960s to today, an influx of French Quebecers that championed the English language then overthrew the prejudice system from the inside to equalize and even raise French above English. Two new pro-Quebec separating from Canada parties would come into existence and rally their Quebecois French-speaking compatriots behind the banner of Quebec breaking away from Canada to become their own independent country.


A side effect of the newly-emerging, and justified, pro-French and pro-Quebec was the rise of anti-English and anti-Canada. The message of linguistic and cultural equality or independence became muddled with hate for English-speakers and English Canada (a.k.a. most of the rest of Canada). Necessary laws meant to protect the endangered French language in Quebec, such as Bill 101, would become over extended: hence was born the language police. Nope, they aren't nifty, swat gear-clad soldiers that beat people down if they speak poorly...although that would be pretty awesome (and horrible) to see. The extremist Front du Libération du Quebec (Quebec Liberation Front) would briefly appear in the late 60s and 70s, a violent separatist group responsible for robberies, riots, as well as the bombings of English-related institutions (Montreal stock exchange, English schools) and homes in predominantly English neighborhoods. The group's acts would culminate with the kidnap and execution of Quebec's Minister of Labor and a member of the British diplomat.

Two provincial referendums would also be held, asking the population the question of should Quebec separate from Canada. The first vote in 1980 showed a significant win for the No-to-separation vote. The second vote, when I was 9 years old in 1995, had us (and everyone else in the province) sitting around the TV waiting for the results. The No side barely won over the Yes-to-separation, by a 50.1% to 49.9% vote.

The last 40 years in the rise of French and Quebec has not gone without reaction by the other provinces of Canada. The anti-English and anti-Canadianism has been answered with anti-Quebecism and anti-French. A strong feeling has been that Quebec should just shut the fuck up and stop whining to be coddled for special status, which isn't a very wrong reality. Within Canada, Quebec is treated better and more equal than the others, to the point of an unfair advantage in spending resources and representation.

With a better idea of the history, my identity is quite a complicated one. These two big holidays celebrating Quebec and Canada do have an awkward stance against one-another Personally, it's very easy for me to feel sandwiched between two cultures, as part of both but belonging to neither according to the other members. Unfortunately, you will need to wait for the second post before I fill in this part.

WoW

Some people get presents for their birthday and others give out presents on their birthday. Here's my cheap present to you all:

I'm not sure if it's real, but I find it all so hilarious. The best parts are:

- screaming like a pterodactyl
- headbutting the bed
- shaking as if he's possessed
- his sudden wardrobe change
- trying to shove the controller in his ass

Enjoy.

Thoughts on my Birthday

My relationship to birthdays has always been an awkward and unusual one.

I love going out to make a big event out of someone's birthday, but when it comes to my own I am the exact opposite. Outwardly, I don't like to make a big thing of my birthday, but secretly I do.

There's never an urge to plan anything; no "Hey let's all go get shit faced to celebrate!". It actually has a lot to do with guilt and self-confidence: I don't like to tell people that it's my birthday because I don't want them to feel obliged to come out for it. I want them to call me up and say "let;s go drinking" from their own choice. On the other hand, I never feel obliged to go out and have a bash for someone's birthday, even if it's a big arranged celebration. It's hypocritical, and I know it, but I just don't want people to feel forced to show up. Along the same line of thinking, if the evening doesn't end up being lots of fun, I don't want to feel guilty for "forcing" them to have been present. I'm weird like that.

My process of thinking only harms myself - I know that. Typically, by the late hours of my birthday, I tend to feel down on myself. Common thoughts of "Man, this sucks...I didn't do anything for my birthday" float around my mind. As I replay those thoughts over and over again in my mind, they get twisted to "My friends don't care about me" or "I'm not worth it". It's actually really pathetic.

Yesterday's birthday was no different - I was at home all day and felt down on myself. I ended up really unhappy by midnight and kind of felt like crying, although I didn't. (You don't realize how much of a loser it feels to even admit that). I ended up

The feeling only lasts for that day. By the next morning I'm amped up to go out and have fun with friends. Today, on Canada Day (there'll be another post about this), I hung out with Liz, Mike and others. We celebrated my birthday, with inferior generic-cake, to which I was embarrassed but inwardly very happy. Uh, I'm so weird.

Birthdays

My family has one tradition that is extremely important, even sacred, to us: the birthday cake.

For every person's birthday, we need to serve the Jamocha Almond Fudge Ice Cream birthday cake, made by the local Baskin Robbins ice cream store. It has always been so, since my oldest brother was born, and as long as those types of cakes are available we will be eating that. We've never intentionally chosen to eat or serve any other type of cake.

People who are aware of our tradition have asked why does it need to be that cake? Clearly none of us need to answer them because they've never eaten the Jamocha Almond Fudge Ice Cream cake. You probably haven't either. Just understand: it is amazing.

A few years ago, the ice cream shops was out of cakes; so were the other stores on the island of Montreal. My middle brother understood that it wasn't any of our faults that we didn't get him the right cake, but we still didn't feel like it was the right type of birthday. As soon as the store had some new cakes in stock, we bought one, invited the whole family together and then re-celebrated his birthday anew.

We like to joke that we're the only reason that the ice cream store, Baskin Robbins, is still in business.

This is a very lose way of saying that it's a family members birthday:

Happy Birthday Thomas!