My relationship to birthdays has always been an awkward and unusual one.
I love going out to make a big event out of someone's birthday, but when it comes to my own I am the exact opposite. Outwardly, I don't like to make a big thing of my birthday, but secretly I do.
There's never an urge to plan anything; no "Hey let's all go get shit faced to celebrate!". It actually has a lot to do with guilt and self-confidence: I don't like to tell people that it's my birthday because I don't want them to feel obliged to come out for it. I want them to call me up and say "let;s go drinking" from their own choice. On the other hand, I never feel obliged to go out and have a bash for someone's birthday, even if it's a big arranged celebration. It's hypocritical, and I know it, but I just don't want people to feel forced to show up. Along the same line of thinking, if the evening doesn't end up being lots of fun, I don't want to feel guilty for "forcing" them to have been present. I'm weird like that.
My process of thinking only harms myself - I know that. Typically, by the late hours of my birthday, I tend to feel down on myself. Common thoughts of "Man, this sucks...I didn't do anything for my birthday" float around my mind. As I replay those thoughts over and over again in my mind, they get twisted to "My friends don't care about me" or "I'm not worth it". It's actually really pathetic.
Yesterday's birthday was no different - I was at home all day and felt down on myself. I ended up really unhappy by midnight and kind of felt like crying, although I didn't. (You don't realize how much of a loser it feels to even admit that). I ended up
The feeling only lasts for that day. By the next morning I'm amped up to go out and have fun with friends. Today, on Canada Day (there'll be another post about this), I hung out with Liz, Mike and others. We celebrated my birthday, with inferior generic-cake, to which I was embarrassed but inwardly very happy. Uh, I'm so weird.
Showing posts with label feeling down on myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeling down on myself. Show all posts
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Friday, December 12, 2008
If I was Different
Mike, myself and two others were over at Liz's apartment for a nice evening of nachos and chatting.
The conversation made its way to the discussion of peoples' personalities. Mike told the group that he thinks he has pretty weird character. Liz disagrees with the opinion and says he really is a "normal" type of guy; all of us agree with her. She continues by saying that, as comparison, my personality is definitely weird. Everyone also seems to agree on. From my point of view, it's not like this is a secret; I think I have an atypical personality, or as I like to call it: I'm a weird kid. This blog is a ultimate list of examples of the strangeness and oddities that make up me.
However, to have everyone agree in unison about this makes me feel kind of down about myself. None of them meant it as an insult, but I kind of took it as such. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and I enjoy my interests and activities, but part of me feels that if I was a bit more "normal" it would be easier meeting and bonding with any general person I met. For example, if I didn't get so joyful at the prospect of Arts&Crafts night at the bar (references here and here) and if I didn't like to climb around abandoned buildings (reference here), maybe I'd have more normal interests that people would more likely share in common with me.
This isn't the first time that it has crossed my mind to maybe tone-down the weirdness of myself. When I meet new people (like in friends-of-friends), sometimes I tone down my personality to become less loud, more quiet and simple and agreeable. It's not like I'm normally screaming and irritating, but I suppose I would potentially "scare someone away". If I just try to be more like them (or anyone else), I would get along better with people. This could also be a way that I might even make some gay friends, since obviously I don't seem to be able to relate so easily with them.
There no reason to kid myself: if I were to meet any of you consistent readers (...all 7 of you?...), I'm sure you would find me odd or awkward.
I realize this is just one big unnecessary emo moment since I do normally like myself, but I still wonder if it would make things easier if I was different...
On a slightly different note, that situation at Liz's is also a prime example of when I get self-conscious from people directing their unsolicited attention onto me (as compared to when I want attention with my comments and antics). After the weird personality comment, Liz also decided to point out how my arm looks bigger again so she wondered if I was still working out. Normally, such a comment would make me feel great (like here), but being still in the mood of not wanting this attention, I kind of just shyed-away and told them all to not focus on me...
Jeez, I need to go to sleep. I'm great around strangers, if I want to be, so I should try to just forget about what Liz said. I shouldn't put myself down like this.
The conversation made its way to the discussion of peoples' personalities. Mike told the group that he thinks he has pretty weird character. Liz disagrees with the opinion and says he really is a "normal" type of guy; all of us agree with her. She continues by saying that, as comparison, my personality is definitely weird. Everyone also seems to agree on. From my point of view, it's not like this is a secret; I think I have an atypical personality, or as I like to call it: I'm a weird kid. This blog is a ultimate list of examples of the strangeness and oddities that make up me.
However, to have everyone agree in unison about this makes me feel kind of down about myself. None of them meant it as an insult, but I kind of took it as such. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and I enjoy my interests and activities, but part of me feels that if I was a bit more "normal" it would be easier meeting and bonding with any general person I met. For example, if I didn't get so joyful at the prospect of Arts&Crafts night at the bar (references here and here) and if I didn't like to climb around abandoned buildings (reference here), maybe I'd have more normal interests that people would more likely share in common with me.
This isn't the first time that it has crossed my mind to maybe tone-down the weirdness of myself. When I meet new people (like in friends-of-friends), sometimes I tone down my personality to become less loud, more quiet and simple and agreeable. It's not like I'm normally screaming and irritating, but I suppose I would potentially "scare someone away". If I just try to be more like them (or anyone else), I would get along better with people. This could also be a way that I might even make some gay friends, since obviously I don't seem to be able to relate so easily with them.
There no reason to kid myself: if I were to meet any of you consistent readers (...all 7 of you?...), I'm sure you would find me odd or awkward.
I realize this is just one big unnecessary emo moment since I do normally like myself, but I still wonder if it would make things easier if I was different...
On a slightly different note, that situation at Liz's is also a prime example of when I get self-conscious from people directing their unsolicited attention onto me (as compared to when I want attention with my comments and antics). After the weird personality comment, Liz also decided to point out how my arm looks bigger again so she wondered if I was still working out. Normally, such a comment would make me feel great (like here), but being still in the mood of not wanting this attention, I kind of just shyed-away and told them all to not focus on me...
Jeez, I need to go to sleep. I'm great around strangers, if I want to be, so I should try to just forget about what Liz said. I shouldn't put myself down like this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
