"Are You Fucking Kidding Me!?"

Anger is extremely motivational; at least it is for me.

When situations manage to really get under my skin and push me close or over that breaking point, it's as if some deep reserves of energy, focus and determination open up inside of me. At points like that, nothing will stop me from finishing what I want to do. If someone's to blame for me getting that angry, they had best run because this raged-motivation has been a source for me carrying my revenge on that person.
I know my ex-roomie is one person who was once the cause and ultimate target of my angry motivation. I recall I also once tried to strangle Tim until he passed out, for waking me up by rubbing his balls on my face...

But, this post isn't about them! - it's about me and my recent brief experience of tapping that dangerous source of motivational power.

Last week I attempted the 7-day Great Ocean Walk, a ~100km hiking and camping trek along the ocean's edge, south-west of Melbourne. I was doing it on my own. I had all the my food, water, clothes and equipment in my backpack and I would be carrying it the whole way with me.



The first day I started hiking, everything was beautiful, but every day after that was rain. My jacket and basic supply of clothes were decent quality, and I was managing to myself and my things relatively dry, but I can only do that successfully for so long. Into the 4th day of my trek, I was getting a little frustrated.

I was trying to double-time my hike so that I could get to the end of the track an additional day early - I had already managed to walk 5 days worth of distance in only 4 days. On that 4th day. the rain was manageable in the morning, but then it started getting a lot heavier in the afternoon just as I had to do a 2 km hike across an open, shelter-less beach. Since no vegetation for shelter on a beach = getting incredibly soaked, I decided to pull out my tent's tarp and attached it to some trees to give me a nice shelter to wait out the worst of the storm; no point in getting more soaked for no reason.

So I waited for the rain to cut down a bit.

....And I waited....

....and waited.

Two hours of sitting under my make-shift roof, attempting to pretend I was still interested in my book was enough: I needed to move.

The rain finally cut down slightly, so I decided this was my chance. I pulled down my tarp and decided to wrap it around me as added protection from the rain on the open beach.

10 minutes into my beach crossing, I thought my tarp-jacket idea was amazing - and then it started: the weather gods gave me the big finger. The wind picked up incredibly against me, turning my tarp into a kite that was pulling me in the opposite direction of my hike. The rain also become really intense, so I didn't want to put away the tarp. I tried hurrying across the beach but walking on sand with a giant backpack is hard, especially with the water-bogged sand.

The sheer force of the wind was pulling against the tarp to strong that it ripped the tarp into pieces, even as I held onto it. Without the tarp's protection, the clothes I was wearing and everything in my bag was being saturated with water. I also realized that with a shredded tarp, there was no chance that I would be getting any sleep as the water would seeped through my tent.

As I finally got close to the end of the beach, I saw there was now river crossing - an unbridged river crossing that I had to wade through. I wasn't about to stop and think about it - I just jumped into the water, walked through the river to the other side and followed the signs.

The closest camp site was suppose to be right after the beach, but it turns out it was at the top of a practically tree-less, water-drenched hill. So I walked up a muddy hill, still being harassed by the wind and rain, with pieces of my shredded tarp across my body in an attempt to ward off the rain.

During the whole hour-long ordeal, all I could do was yell out to myself "Are you fucking kidding me!?" over and over, while keep walking.

Finally, I got to the camp site and walked over to wooden shelter, the only real dry area left where some other hikers were sitting.

I tried to keep calm, but I was pissed. I felt like every possible natural element had conspired against me. As I tried to relax, I realized that I hadn't taken into account of everything the wind and rain had done: As I took off my shoes, I realized the dye of the utterly drenched green shoes has run and dyed my socks and feet green. Wanting to take a bittersweet photo, I took out my camera and realized that somehow during the beach crossing, the camera had been broken and no longer worked.

Wanting to keep calm, I told myself to look through my bag to find my extra [hopefully dry] shirt. With the bag wide open, the wind suddenly gusted, lifted up the shirt I was eyeing, flew it through the air and sailed it off the cliff, over the ocean.

Another hiker soon came over to me and said:
"Wow, I was watching you from the lookout of the beach - you sure moved fast across that beach!"

I looked at her, took a deep breath, faked a smile and replied:
"Ya...I felt motivated."

I slowly walked over to my packed-up tent & shredded up tarp, whilst considered throwing them off the same cliff, into the ocean, just to be done with it all.

Oh man, I was feeling ssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooo angry....and motivated.

A Camping We Will Go

And camping it is!

Let's all assume that because Justin commented on my previous post, absolving me of the potential guilt of not letting my feet rest at home, this little camping adventure is justified. Thank you Mr. Guy From Chicago!

Kieran has told me that the theme of the next 2 days will be no stress. It shouldn't be too tough, since it's only us two. For some reason, no one else has a job that's as flexible with getting time off as us...suckers.

Kieran's university undergraduate convocation passed (that means he graduated!), so one would think that he'd have nothing much to stress over. Of course that is a mistake, because his severely depressed-closeted-wacko Dad decided not to attend the ceremony or even recognize Kieran for the last few months. Unfortunately timed uprisings of crazy have also stricken other close friends/family members/girlfriend of his, so he just wants to get away for two night.

I'll make sure that Kieran has no choice but to relax. If not, it'll be another axe to his head.


...I'm only somewhat joking about the ax part.

What Say You Hospital

Monday was spent both working and sitting around the local hospital for 7 hours, in order to have my foot checked-out. I had expected to wait forever at the hospital, since potential broken bones are at the bottom of the emergency clinic's priority list and one typically has to wait forever anyways (a downside to the "free" health care I am glad Canadians have). Unlike many of the people there, or at least the people who seemed to be in the similar broken-bone category as me, I was feeling very positive and cheery. That is probably more because broken bones and crutches is not something new for me and my job can easily integrate in a foot injury.

After 2 sets of X-rays and 3 interval-visits with an overworked doctor, the consensus at this time is: you probably have a bad bruise/strain, but might also have a broken heal bone...we're not sure. So DON'T YOU DARE put weight on your foot (I think she thought my positive and carefree attitude meant I wasn't going to follow her instructions, hence why she kindly screamed them at me) and we'll wrap it up and you'll need to be back here in 10 days to see an orthopedic specialist.

Woooo!

But wait? Is there a [fake] question for a reader out there? Oh yes there is...why you.... Ya, you over there...what's the question?

Reader: Oh Thomas, I love you so much. Here's my query: knowing how you are such a camera-whore and take pictures of everything, do you have such a picture of you hurting your foot? I would love to add it to my shrine of you...

Oh, thanks devoted [fake] reader. I love you too...and to answer your question: Yes!

This picture was taken moments before I decided it was a great idea to jump, barefoot, down to the ground. I like to think the amazing part of this photo is not the height but my pointed toes. It's all in the pointed toes. One might even say I look very gay in this photo.


The outcome of my fall is now this:


So with the big Easter extended-family dinner coming this weekend, my little accident will the popular topic of discussion regarding who's been the stupidest lately.

Rant

[RANT]

I need to keep busy.
I need to stay away from the internet.
I need to spend less time alone at my family's home.
I need to stop reading books by Brett Easton Ellis.
I need to spend more time with my friends.
I need to visit my brother in Texas.
I need to accept that my Mom loves having me around the house.
I need to tell-off Kieran and Liz when they dismiss the worries I share with them.
I need to run more.
I need to let go of the things I cannot change immediately.

Okay, that's a lot of things to explain. Reiteration of my blog #3306: I'm nuts. Some of these thoughts or insights have become clear to me a month ago and others have become clear in the last few days. Let's start from the top of the list.

If I have too much time on my hands and not enough to do, I end up doing three things: brooding over past events/conversations in my mind, watching useless TV or going on the internet.

I have a bad habit of falling into a routine of thinking endlessly about past things that "didn't go in my favor". It becomes a circular thought and just replays over and over again, making me feel worse about the outcome. The more I think negatively like that, the less I want to actually go and do something substantial.

The TV just makes me lazy and unfocused. Don't watch any show in particular but I get used to sitting and doing nothing...

With the internet, I end up just reading lots of blogs (that I normally don't even like) or watching porn. Either way, I'm just pointlessly reading or watching other people live out their love or sex lives, which then reminds me of what I currently don't have. This isn't healthy to get lost in negatively or live vicariously through others, so I need to get away from this. I'm not seeing any guy? - oh well, boohoo, time to get over myself. It'll happen when it happens.

Leaving the house more often is conductive to me doing something useful with my time and staying away from the internet (or at least the negative parts of it). No more surfing the net, with no real aim or interest. I should work away from home, because at home I become unfocused and then my minds wanders to *take a wild guess now* BAM! Negative stuff and porn.

Brett Easton Ellis writes some damn good books, that focus on mostly youth just wasting away without any ability to connect to others or even themselves. They do nothing, regret doing nothing but see no alternative.

Guess what I'm afraid of? There ya go: all of that. I love the two books of his I have read (Less Than Zero is terrifyingly awesome) and I'm about to finish The Rules of Attraction, but they just get my angry. Does that even make sense? I love and hate them? I mean, I described the characters to Liz once and she replied "Wow, that sounds like you." That freaked the shit out of me.

Hanging out with my friends gives me a good grip on reality and stops my mind from just brooding over things that can no longer be changed. I can tell them things and they make me relaxed. Living at home with my parents has made it difficult to see them, so I haven't been "grounded" as much as I need to be. I need my friends.

I like traveling. While away in NY and DC (and Europe last summer), I didn't over-think or brood. I was calm. Everything was clear. Staying at home for too long just gets to me. I should visit my oldest brother in Texas. I need to make an effort to reconnect with him. I also think it would be a good point to tell him I'm gay. I feel confident and relaxed about the idea of telling him.

My Mom loves talking to me when I'm at home. Her being retired, I bring variety and conversation to her potentially monotonous world. As you know, I work from home so she gets to see me a lot. As a consequence, she has begun adopting my personality and sayings a bit. The other day, she used my classic over-dramaticism and dark humour:

"Great, if that idiot calls here one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the face!"

or

Me: "OK, I'm going out. If I don't come back, call the police."

Her: "Naw, I'm not calling the police. I'm the one who arranged the hit anyway. I just want your laptop."

It's endearing. Really, it is. There's no hiding it - I like it. Although I may want to run away from the house all the time, wanting to get away from my parents is only SOMETIMES the reason. That is a good thing.

When I share some of my worries, such as parts of the above stuff, Liz and Kieran seem to have developed similar reactions: they pretend it's not a problem and dismiss it. "Naw, you're fine", combined with them changing the subject immediately.
Now, that shit is not gonna fly. I don't dominate conversations with my problems nor do I mention the particular topics often. If they don't care fine - then I'm not going to tell them these things. But I am definitely not going to be caring when they start talking about their problems. I'm also not going to hold this in: "Hey Liz/Kieran, stop being a dick by being rude to me."

As of late it's been pretty cold, so I haven't been able to go running much. Pent up energy = a mind that's too active = too much over thinking = not much sleep. I think I'll join a gym. A treadmill would do some good. I could also try using the weights, since the ones I own definitely aren't the greatest.

The most important of all: it's time to let go of this negative self-talk. I can't change the past, I can only do things now so I don't need anymore of this "busy brain" making me freak out about so much useless shit. Brett Easton Ellis? Good writer but I am definitely no Clay from Less than Zero, so let's stop that. Time to get things done. Find a plane ticket. Wake up earlier to get out of the house for some cafe-work. Workout more. Get a driver's license for a road trip this summer. Initiate that mini-business idea.

[/RANT]

It always feels good to write things down.