Crushing

I've never been the type to crush over my male friends. In my mind, there's always been an invisible separation of my straight male friends from guys in general (whether straight or gay) that I find attractive. I've even asked some of my female friends why so many women find some of my friends attractive, because I just didn't really understand why people thought they were hot. Don't take that the wrong way: no, I don't think I don't consider myself a model compared to their raggedy-ass selves. My brain just doesn't consider my guy friends in terms of hot or not.

The funny thing, though, is that over the 2 day period of our camping trip, I really started to understand why Kieran's girlfriend finds him so attractive. His pro-active attitude, his handyman demeanor, his joking mind and yes, his nicely muscled body. Who couldn't like short blond hair, stubble of a short blond beard and light blue eyes? When we were lying next to each other in the tent, the thought did cross my mind that I'd love to just throw my arms over him, snuggle up and make-out.

Kieran

Oh Kieran, you're so bad at taking photos

Nothing other than a strong friendship will ever occur between Kieran and I. I know that and I am very happy with this. I thought it was just a funny, and odd moment for me to actually be crushing on a close friend of mine.

PS-1: Thank god I'm not some gay guy with delusions of converting his very straight friends

PS-2: Oh god, I'm actually blushing from admitting to myself that I felt attracted to him during our trip! Bah, it's not my fault. He was shirtless most of the time anyway!

Maybe if you asked 3 years ago...

When nervous about how someone will react to a question or statement, most people try to soften their words to lessen the shock value and make it seem a little less important. You know when someone asks you a question, half-joking and half-serious? It's like that. There's leeway in their intonation, so the question can be taken in 2 ways: if your response is negative, they can pass off what they said as just a joke, but if the reaction is positive they can just go with it. Well, that's exactly how my friend and his girlfriend proposed that we have a threesome.

It was just us 3 at my apartment, making food and relaxing. I hadn't seen either of them for a long time, since we went to different campuses and lived far apart, so it was great to catch up with them. Having each eaten way too many quesadillas, we we're all lying down on my tiny bed. Music was playing and we were all scrunched up a bit - with my guy friend between his girlfriend and myself (Yup, that's how pornos start).

I don't remember how he segwayed to ask it, but it came out just like I described above. With a little bit of a chuckle, so it could seem like a joke if I took it that way, but not completely:

"So, I don't suppose we're gonna have a 3-way are we?"

His girlfriend stayed silent. He stayed silent. They waited to gauge my reaction. Silence...

---

I had a huge crush on that above guy friend all through CEGEP. When I was outed to my group of friends there, he didn't really care - although I didn't really know him much at that time. As we become close friends in our second year, my crush got a lot stronger with good reason. We would hang out all the time at school and then on evenings and weekends I would always be over at his house. I slept there plenty of times. He had a double mattress in the basement so we would just talk shit all night and end up sleeping in the same bed. Oh ya, at one point he also filled the "fetish criteria" of having his hair dyed blue/green.


I ended up working with him in Costa Rica for part of the summer, between the end of CEGEP and beginning of university in 2004 (I was 18/19). It was actually for his Dad - my friend, myself, his girlfriend (not the same as above) and another friend would help with with random construction work. It was actually just outside of Tamarindo, the big Americanized town on the west coast. After working 6am to noon, we could get the afternoons off to do whatever we wanted - which was pretty much go surfing.

When not working, we spent our days paddling around in the ocean, swimming in a pool or being lazy. We were pretty much always shirtless and in our board shorts, so it wasn't a big surprise I spent my time looking at his body. He was a pretty good looking surfer kid: lean body with some good muscle, shaggy hair and comfortably masculine. He was also as tall as me, which is surprising for me. When not in swimming trunks, we were just walking around in our boxers...

Even though his girlfriend was there (along with our other friend), he seemed to like spending time mostly with me. He had a joke that apart from sexuality, we were perfectly alike. Body, reactions, personality... Another joke he had would be to ask about each other's penis.

Him: So Thomas, how's your penis? Going well?

Everyone, including him, knew about my crush. Twice we spent long nights drinking tequila and it was no surprise that I would get a huge hard-on just sitting next to him, as we played cards in one of the bedrooms. He would start touching my leg (again, I'm only wearing boxers) and he'd watch the bulge of my boxers grow. Everyone thought it was hilarious. At one point, I was turned on so much and for so long, my boxers would even get a little wet spot. Again, we would all laugh and they would take some pictures . Too bad my computer lost those pics when it erased my hard drive crashed...

When we drank, and when his girlfriend and our other friend would fall asleep (alcohol does that to them) my friend and I would just keep joking around the compound. I don't know how it got to that, but we started a game of pulling each other's boxers down when the other least expected it. Oh, homoerotic-male bonding. Obviously, this would only get my dick going more. Him seeing my hard-on pushing against my boxers would get him to laugh and wrestle around more . Eventually, he got my boxers off completely once so I just stood there with my dick standing up yelling:

"There, since you want to see it so bad here it is!"

All through this, I always assumed he was straight. He had a girlfriend and I thought he just liked to horse-around. He was the type of straight guy who was confident and relaxed with himself so he just didn't care. He got that from his Dad, the former big downtown-club and music venue owner in Montreal, who almost exclusively hired gay people, since according to him they bitch a lot but do a better job.

I often did get odd feelings from my friend - the way he'd have a big smile while looking right right in my direction, for no reason. Just fixed and looking at me. He'd have lingering eyes for longer than "just a normal stare", as if he was processing a thought or feeling related to me. Nothing would be said, but there would always be those little moments. At the time, I wasn't in a head space ready to even try to make a move with another guy, so I was just riding the wave there and having fun. No reason to think about it any further.

----

And so there was silence. Use three, sitting on my bed.

"Haha, ya right. The three of us can barely stay on the bed right now"

Yup, I decided to let the question go as a joke.

What used to be, is not how it is now. I'm different. My crush ended years ago. Assuming I could/wanted to do a threesome with a girl, I wouldn't want to potential have those awkward reactions afterward, with two of my friends (his girlfriend was my friend before they dated as well).

Also, I'm not really interested in 3-somes. I much prefer the 1-on-1 friction and touching.

A chance lost? Meh, whatever.

Reminisce

My ex and I met up a while ago, to "have coffee and talk". Neither of us drinks coffee but we both like using the saying. It was really enjoyable: catching up on each others' happenings and reminiscing. We dated about a year and a half ago, and our break-up was more due to circumstance than one of us losing interest in the other. There were no hurt feelings in the end, so that didn't dampen the situation. We had a happy 3.5 months together.


Talking with him then, I realize that our personalities, lives and interests are so incredibly different. It was probably one of the points of why we were so into each other, but realistically it would probably have been a reason why we would later break up, if he had not moved away. He came from a hippy-family, all grown-up. By comparison, my family was the Anglo-Saxon stereotype. We sparked each others' interests because we found each other radical different. Openly out to his friends and family since 14 (!), queer people had been a normal family topic for him. For myself, I had never even gotten accustomed to my brothers even mentioning they had girlfriends in front of my parents, so when my ex wasn't bothered by public displays of affection (PDA), clearly I had something to learn and get used to.

Anyway, our conversation showed me that it was obvious to me we had little in common as friends. All his friends were very much gay, queer or some division under that umbrella. You should all realize by now that my own friends are pretty much all straight men and women. It was an actual utmost reminder that I've never personally understood people who have been able to remain friends with people they've had relationships with. I would love to still hangout with my ex, but we really have nothing to even talk about in terms of mutual likes. It wasn't like that when we were dating but now it was all different. By the end of our 50 minute talk, we were just done. Nothing else to share.


I do admire those people, especially the gay ones. I've said this once before: dating all the gay guys you know leads to never having any gay friends. It's true, although I wish it weren't so. Apart from being both guys and gay, my ex and I really had nothing else in common. Our interest, hangouts, ideas of good times don't overlap at all. It's unfortunate really, but at least I accept it.

With my previous group of gay friends, including my gay ex-roomie, we slowly stopped hanging out. I didn't get it at the time but it slowly became obvious. Beyond being gay, we just had nothing to say to each other (or at least that was true for me). As fun as it was to go to bars, drink and dance, if you have nothing to talk about it gets boring.

There are still a lot of fond memories of my ex and I, in my mind. I would love to post pictures of him, unfortunately I only have a handful and none of them do justice to his hotness. Shaved head with brown hair, green eyes, stubble if he chose to let it grow and a body that he didn't even realize was super fit and muscly. Really, a guy who doesn't realize how sexy, cute and perfect they are is the best kind. I would be lying if I didn't say I liked the sex, but also the general physical contact too. Just normal touching, hugging and physical contact makes me really happy.

Maybe I'm getting a bit to explicit for my own comfort, but I loved walking up to him and hugging his from behind. I would get an instant hard-on as I pressed my chest against his back, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. My dick would be at the perfect height to slide up and down, between the curves of his ass. I could also kiss him on the shoulder and neck - starting from lower down and then moving up. That would always make him give this little moan that was so cute and such a turn on. He would turn his head around and I could kiss him on the lips, pushing my groin a little harder into his ass. Oh, that felt so good.
When lying down though, the feeling would be 10 times better.


He is the number 1 reason why I got comfortable with guys I am romantically linked to (the few at least). Public touching, kissing and talking about "gay things" were huge no-nos in my mind before. I would go into my "state of alert" when he used to kiss me on the cheek in public, just in case there was a potential threats nearby. I would always feel anxious when walking with him, as if people could see I was gay. After all, I definitely didn't want people to identify me as gay. But now...I just don't care. It's become normalized and relaxed with me, for the most part. There's no need to care (at least in this city). It's so much better now. As Alicia once told me:

"I'm so happy to be back in Montreal! In my first hour of being back in town, I got offered a free shot of tequila, had some guy offer my weed and then saw two guys making out on the street corner. Oh Montreal...

Eventually, my ex and I hugged and went our separate ways. He's a good person. I have no doubt he'll find someone good for him.

Familiarity, Comfort & Attraction

Over a year ago, I came to understand that my romantic affection for someone relates very strongly to my familiarity and comfort with them. I do find myself attracted to complete strangers, based purely on looks, but the most enduring attraction is that which develops with friends.

From my point of view, it's a pretty natural extension of the friendship-type of affection. As I get to know someone, I understand their personality, their likes and what entertains them. Similarly, the other person also gets used to my personality and what I like. Once you really know a person, the both of you know how to act and what ways to approach each other. It kind of sounds like I'm talking about cruising, but I don't mean it like that. For example, when you hang out with your best friends, you all understand how to speak to each other, what type of stories are fun to talk about and what type of things to do. With Tim and Mike I play hockey and mostly make sleazy/amazing sex jokes. With Xav, I talk about music, subversion, "hipster" things and go city-exploring.
Well, at the level where I'm so familiar and comfortable with someone, I inevitably find myself attracted to them. As a friend, they make me happy and I make them happy so that little mental-step from friendship-attraction to romantic-attraction is pretty small in my mind.

When I started fooling around with my ex-roomie, it was because I felt that sense of familiarity and comfort that attracts me to guys. I definitely didn't think he was good-looking, but our personalities got along really well. Even with my straight guy friends (with Xav, Tim and Mike as exceptions), as I got to know each one better I found myself attracted to them more and more. This especially rang true for an acquaintance I got a job for at my work, who then hung out with me all the time. Damn it, he's so good looking! Hmm, I'll have to talk about him in another post. He does deserve a name.



Since I see my attraction to people being based a lot on the natural outcome of friendship, I find it just as natural for friends to hook-up sometimes, without wanting a relationship.

Of course I don't have any real gay friends that I would call up to go to out to a bar, so maybe my thinking is a little fucked up. But oh well.

Oh, his song of Cruel Love

Oh beautiful Luke Pickett, keep singing to me forever.

Changing My Statement

I want to take something back.

In yesterday's post, I said that it's fine that Guy from the Abandoned Building left and I didn't get a chance to have a one-on-one chat with him. I also said that it's fine we're just friends.

Well, I'm taking all that stuff back. It DOES bother me that I didn't get a chance to talk with him on my own and it DOES bother that we're just friends. He lives in a different city now and it's tough for us to keep in touch, so I did want a chance just to talk with him. I DO regret not still being involved with him, since I still find myself star-struck by him. Ever since he was added to my Facebook, if I ever see his profile I get distracted and reminiscent for at least 20 minutes.



A friend, whom I almost never speak with or see since he now lives in Los Angeles, told me a few weeks ago that I should have fought for him and maybe even followed him to New York. Would it have worked out? Probably not, but as he said: you can't just sit back and wait for things - you need to pursue them.

So yes, I am bothered by this. Like I ended my last post: life goes on. I will get over it, but I just want to clear up the fact that right now I am not perfectly Ok with the situation and that I am a little bothered.

I think this will be the last time I mention the Guy from the Abandoned Building.

Party and the Guy

Uuuhhhh....
....stupid headache....
...dizzy too.

Wait.
How did I get here?
Where are my clothes?
!!!
....What's the last thing I can remember?

Guy from Abandoned Building, talking, drinking, party, dancing and then.....

How did I get home?

.......
................whatever.

And so I went back to sleep and only woke up at 2pm this afternoon.

Yesterday was definitely an awesome night. I can probably blame the Maudite & Fin du Monde beer, along with a few tokes of weed for my lack of memory toward the end, but that doesn't matter. With Guy from the Abandoned Building in town, Xav and I met up with him and his friends to have a good time.

We walked into the friends' apartment at the perfect time too. Shirt off, "my" Guy was by the front of the door changing. Not that it's been long, but he still looks fucking awesome. Perfect chest, abs and arms. Still the same beautiful face and eyes that light up with his smile. He was happy and excited to see us both. Photos just can't capture how good looking he is.


We all made our way to another group of friends' loft. They weren't at their home yet when we arrived, so we waited out on the street. We opened up our beers for some sidewalk drinking and I decided it was time to bring out my condolences gift to Xav. That morning, Xav got in a bike accident. His bike was split in two in a collision with another bike. I don't get how a bike explodes like that, while he didn't get hurt at all, but he was really bummed out because of it. He found the parts, built that bike himself and even named it Jane. RIP Jane.

My gift was half a water bottle filled with Russian vodka. It was a small portion of what I brought back from my summer trip to Russia. Don't kid yourselves: you don't know vodka until you have real Russian vodka. It's smooth, almost no after taste and doesn't cost much. You can even drink 2 full bottles with a friend, pass out in your hostel, wake up in a pile of liquid that you think is your own piss, but then realize you just spilled a gallon of water on yourself when you passed out onto the floor. All without a hangover. It's that good.

The offering brightened Xav's spirits. Everyone enjoyed a sip. The Guy from the Abandoned Building, who I refuse to name otherwise, really liked it. His smile made me swoon some more. We were all happy.

Eventually the second group of friends arrived, opened their door and the party started. Their big open loft got turned into a dance floor. Music was pumping out of some giant speakers. The lights went off and the indoor Christmas lights came on. Everyone had the dance funk in them. The rest of the night was a blast.

Guy from the Abandoned Building ended up disappearing midway through the night. I didn't really notice until much later. My time was split with everyone at the impromptu party, so we didn't get the chance to sit down and talk, just the two of us. I would have liked to be alone with him, talking or ripping off his clothes, but that's fine. He lives in New York. I live in Montreal. We're just friends and I'm Ok with that. Life goes on.

Toward the end of the night, when my memory starts getting fuzzy, some other guy was chatting me up hoping that we'd run into each other again. That made a good night end a little better.

Not To Be Ungrateful But...

Last week, while at work on my laptop in one of my favorite cafes, there was this one guy constantly twisting his head, looking at everyone else in the room. Nothing unusual, just the glancing that anyone does when surrounded by strangers. Every once in a while, he would peer to the side of his laptop and stare in my direction. I would never look up to make eye contact, but I could see in my peripherals that he was doing that.

One of my former gay friends used to always say that I never notice when people are checking me out. He's pretty generally right. When I'm surrounded by people I don't know, I tend to focus on what I'm doing and not pay attention to the turning heads and wandering eyes that may or may not focus on me. In a way, I'm actually uncomfortable when complete strangers look at me, because the self-conscious part of me assumes they're looking at me because they think I'm odd, ugly or they're making fun of me. This could be the topic of a post, but it's not right now so let's move on.

I continue with my work, until I eventually notice the guy gets up and sits in the chair directly next to me. At first, I feign caring and keep listening to the music through my earphones and typing away. From the corner on my eye, I notice him waving his hand to my side to get my attention. Uh oh, what does he want, I think. I pull out my ear pieces and look at him with raised eyebrows and small smile to show I'm listening and wondering why he wanted my attention for.

Are you getting the wireless signal on your computer?, he asks.

I check. Ya sure I am, I reply. My mind wonders why he come across the room to ask me this question.

He then thanks me for the help, but instead of going back to work, he asks: So, what are you working on?

Uh oh, I think. Flashing lights go off in my mind. No, he isn't. Uh...I'm not used to this type of situation... Oh man this is awkward like in tv shows...

I answer by talking about my job. I leave out its similarity to internet stripping. He keeps asking questions. I answer some more, always a few motions away from putting my earpieces back. I ask him a bit about himself, to be polite. He answers.

Then he says it.

Do you want to get a coffee with me sometime later this week?

That's right, I was asked out on a date. As I hopefully conveyed thus far in this post, the entire exchange before the question was pretty much me "deer in headlights". Of course the idea that a stranger checking me out conflicts with my insecurities of random strangers staring at me. Let's add to that with the fact that I'm really not used to people actively pursuing me and I'm definitely not used to being asked on a date, 5 minutes after speaking to a person. For me, leading up to asking someone out typically starts by getting to know a person over a few different occasions and then it just starts from there. In terms of who is chasing whom, for me it tends to be even. Someone coming on to me hard and immediate is overwhelming. On the other hand, someone pretending not to care, in hopes that I'll just keep chasing them is uninteresting and lame. I like the 50-50, equally reaching out and being coy. You can clearly see that I meet people through mutual friends and not going to bars/clubs.

I accepted the offer and did meet him a few days later. He was interesting - very much not a type of person I would go for, but a nice guy. He had good things going for him: Ex-Canadian soldier, trying to start his own company, good at talking (I admit still being a little bit "deer in headlights").

We agree to keep going with the vibe and go get some food together. I had kind of decided I wasn't interested in him about halfway through. He's a nice guy, but just not one for me. After the initial encounter, I wasn't into his looks. He also tended to refer to himself too much with the line I'm a man. Tip from Thomas: if someone has to repeat something about themselves often, then they clearly don't believe it. I did however think that he could be a cool guy and therefore a potential friend, so I went along with it.

Before eating though, we just needed to pass by his apartment to get something. I head over there with him. Once we're both in, he closes the door, looks at me and says:

God, I can't take it anymore.

2 seconds later he's pulled my pants down and his mouth is around my dick.
Maybe none of you are surprised, but I definitely was. Using my cheap cut/paste skills, here is the potential expression I had on my face:


Want to know what I honestly thought then? You're going to think I'm an asshole, but I'll share with you all anyway: Aw man, you're kind of ugly and I don't feel like pretending you're turning me on. Uh, I'd rather just go home on my own and get something to eat now...

I'm just not the type of person who can have sex with anyone. Sorry craigslisters, Gay.com and bathhouse visitors.
Have I ever had a hook-up with a stranger, based solely on looks? Of course. I'm sure it will also happen again. Most of the time though, if I don't find someone's personality or body/face attractive, I'm just not interested. I much prefer fooling around with someone I have some sort of connection with, whether boyfriend, just friend or person between those two. Again, I'm heading toward a completely different post so let's steer this story back on track.

The blowjob wasn't the end of it. I went along with the other stuff too; not sex, just fooling around.
At some point, we take a break and I insert the suggestion that I might head home soon. He pretty much ignores that and heats up some food for the both of us. We start talking some more.

20 minutes later, I decide he's nuts. Not the lovable oddities that interest me or little quirks I find cute. More like the crazy spectrum that encompasses secret societies, religion and Ive-never-taken-a-science-course-ever nuts. I don't care that he believes Egyptians knew the secret of the universe and time travel. I don't want to hear that he's a Mason. I definitely don't give a shit if he was born knowing the 3 all-powerful celestial symbols. Time for me to get out of there!

For the time being, I think I'll stick to not-noticing strangers who are checking me out. It lets me hide my insecurities and keeps the wackos away.

Another first

He put the movie into the DVD player and I sat myself down on his couch. I was impressed by all his nice furniture - I knew I wasn't going to get a new couch or bed when I moved out for the second part of university. He came over and sat next to me an we started to watch the movie.

Of course, neither of us cared about the movie. We had already seen one earlier this afternoon, but obviously this was all just a pretense to spend more time together. We held our bodies next to each other and we held hands. It's like we were two kids on their first date in middle school. I never got the chance to go on a date with someone at that age, but I could tell this was the exact awkward feeling most teenagers had at that age. Eventually, I lied down with my head on his legs.

I didn't have the courage to initiate the first of most moves. Up until then, I had only made out with women, which I really don't count as much. I was nervous and shy, even though I clearly had no reason to be. We knew each other and it was obvious we thought pretty positively of one-another.

Him, on the other hand, had done this plenty of times. He put his hands on either side of my face and we kissed. Corny or lame as it sounds, I was actually pretty surprised. None of this felt natural to me. The image of teenage "love" kept coming back into my mind. I laughed.

That's right, I laughed after we kissed for the first time. It's a pretty annoying impulse that I still have to today: if I feel awkward about a situation I automatically laugh. It doesn't matter what happened, I just laugh.

He gave me a funny look, but didn't decide to give up. We started making out and feeling each other. He lied down next to me and we took turns rolling on top of the other. Our belts were getting in the way, so we took them off. I loved touching him all over. There's no reason for me to lie: he had an amazing body. Solidly cut abs, tanned skin, nice muscle, very short black hair with a bit of stubble and black eyes that disappeared when he smiled or laughed. The whole dark and cute look really gets me.

I don't know how much time passed, but eventually I picked him up and carried him to his bedroom. We kissed more and then I pushed him backwards onto the bed. I got on top of him and lifted him by the base of his arms to better position him under me.

"I love how our bodies fit perfectly into each other," he said.

You all know what he meant by that, or at least I hope. Both of you facing each other, your legs intertwined, with half your body on the other person and the other half on the bed. Each with one arm around the other. The way puzzle pieces fit together perfectly.


Some more time passed.

"Shit, what time is it. I have to leave for a concert at 9", I said.

We look over at the clock - 9:05. He looks over at me with his big black eyes,
"No, wait, the clock's fast,"

He grabs the clock and changes the time to 8:50. I look back in this eyes and his big smile.

So cute.

------

Alicia: "What's up? You seem really excited for the concert."

Me: "Ya, I am. But I also just spent the last 4 hours making out with this guy"

Alicia: "Damnit, why does this never happen to me."

Xav appears.

Xav: "Hey guys, thanks for waiting for me. Wow Thomas, you sure are smiling a lot."

Me: "Hehe, yup."

-----

A while ago, Justin of Guy from Chicago said that his couch is always the starting point of something good. I remember that because it is so true. Almost every genuine, good moment I've had with other guys always starts on a couch.
I hope you all own a good couch.

Way to go Thomas...

I am completely infatuated with him and I can't stand it. Ever since we met on top of that abandoned building, I have not been able to stop thinking about him. He's so fucking cool and beautiful. Every moment I've seen him is just so perfect. He always has the most random, but relevant thing to say. When me smiles, his eyes light up and you just want to hold him forever. Of course, if you saw him you wouldn't want to keep your hands off him either.

How could you not luv that?

It's as if I've hit a second puberty. Since that first night I met him, I've been horny as hell ALL THE TIME. When I'm biking somewhere, I constantly turn my head because I keep thinking that I just saw him. Honestly, I'm starting to think that he has 100 look-a-likes that are following me. I've never been so obsessed with a guy - it kind of scares me.

At this point, Xav sometimes mentions his name on purpose, because he knows I get an instant hard-on and that I can't stop thinking about him. I've decided Xav is an asshole.

So what's bad about all this? We met 3 weeks before he had to leave Montreal to move the New York city, for work. So now, I've become infatuated/obsessed with the most perfect person, whom I will never see again.
Amazing - just f.u.c.k.i.n.g. amazing Thomas. You sure know how to pick 'em.

Encore

My hands slide into the crack, to pry the opening wide enough to pass through. The door creaked against the branches lying in front of it. The rust had been smoothed by its rubbing with the branches over time. We were clearly not the firsts to have ventured inside and it was not the first visit I had payed this place.

We began the climb up the metal gratings stairwell. We kept turning upward for what seemed forever. Ever so often we passed a cracked window. Even with the glow of the city, light couldn't make it past the window threshold. The shine of our cellphones were the only keys to our sight.


Black powder covered everything. Was it coal? Probably not. I tried to keep my hands away from touching anything, but slowly the rust on my hands mixed with the black soot. The sleeping bag I carried also rubbed up against the walls as we walked upward, higher and higher. Some time ago wayward pigeons had made their way into the shaft. They had never left either.

Down a walkway we went. Under a pipe. Over a threshold. Don't fall into the powder. A porthole in the floor. Lifted up, we look in and only see darkness. Our light can't find the room's floor or walls. Only black powder floating in the air. That is a fall I would prefer to avoid.

We walk through the door opening to the roof. The view reminds us why we had decided to come back with sleeping backs.

We look, we talk, we laugh, we drink. We soon find ourselves only in our underwear.

I didn't mean these to be this tight when I bought them, he says.

I didn't mind.

I said he was beautiful the first time met him up here. It's hard for me to believe how much better looking he was that night.

Abandoned Building and a Perfect Guy

Over the last 2 years, I’ve really gotten into exploring the nooks and crannies of my city. Walking through the dark alleyways, climbing up the rusty fire escapes and venturing into anything that looks old, decrepit or abandoned really gets me going. Typically, the grimier, the better. I find it incredibly interesting to see places and objects that once had direct meaning or use, but now just sit there and slowly fall apart. An added bonus is finding private buildings and spaces that strangers have “reclaimed” and created an new (usually illegal) uses for. Highway underpass DJ parties anyone? Fuck ya!



It first started with climbing up onto the roof of buildings downtown and at my university. My first partner in crime, Alicia, and I would just sit up there, stare out at the cityscape and sky while talking about everything and nothing. It’s those moments that I value most with people; the ones just relaxing and watching while talking about our lives, loves and worries. Surprisingly, we would rarely bring alcohol with us. Xav soon joined the fun, which led to 1:00 am trips across the city on our bikes and running across roof tops in the student-hipster part of town.

Recently I followed Xav’s instructions to get to the top of an abandoned industrial silo. He and some others I had yet to ever meet were already up there, so I followed to their vague phone directions to get up there. Skipping over the details of the creepy/amazing pitch black route (cell phones are amazing sources of light to avoid falling through rusted gratings) I walkout out the door onto the roof of the silo. It is quite possibly one of the best roof-top lookouts I have seen. You could see everything in all directions. The splash of the city lights against the mountain and the sky make is a beautiful sitting spot. In case you had wondered, the Winds That You Rise banner at the top of the blog is a photo of the view. To add to the perfect settings, Xav’s friends were pretty cool and I had a great time chatting with them. One in particular was the focus of that night.


I rarely ever find someone to be incredibly good looking, but he was just that. Everything about him seemed perfect. He’s tall, with blond short hair and eyes that lit up when he smile. He was really friendly and easy to relate with, so I had to concentrate not to swoon every time while we talked. His body looked pretty damn good too, which was hard not to notice when he decided to climb up onto higher roof-top levels of building.

It’s annoying when you find someone attractive and you don’t know if they’re into guys. That seems to be the story of my life. But the whole evening I kept jumping back-and-forth over the line of maybe he is, maybe he’s isn’t. I tend to start making little observations about a person’s behaviour, trying to conclude whether they play for my side or not. With him, I started settling that he was for the ladies.

I had to leave early to meet up with some others friends, so I said my goodbyes to everyone and gave some of the gang hugs. As the last person to get a goodbye, the man of my focus for the night came right up to me and pulled me in for a really good hug. Hopefully you all know the kind I’m talking about. Nice and strong, both arms holding the other person. Your chest and torso flat against the other person’s. Your cheeks rub together – and not in the French Canadian hello/bye cheek kiss type of way. His stubble rubbing against me felt amazing. That was the kind of hug you just don’t want to let go.
That affection pretty much sent fireworks off in my mind. I’m sure some might think a blowjob would have been a better goodbye, but shit that was some real good hugging. Man, why did I have to leave then…

I could give him a name in this blog, but I won’t just yet. Don’t worry, I do have more to write on him.