Great, What Now...

Sorry all, but I'm warning right now that this is going to being a whinny post.
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So after a weekend of me going out, doing nothing strenuous to body other than standing walking and sitting, my feet are in pain. A lot of pain.

I can't stand for more than 5 minutes before my feet feel burning, stabbing and hurt in general. Even if I sit down or put them up to rest, I can still feel a dull pain.

I'm frankly hitting the end of being able to stand all this injury bullshit. I understand that my 1 leg/foot was hurt from my [incredibly stupid] jump, as posted here. I get that it took about 1.5 months of crutching around for me to be able to slowly walk around normally. Now, why the fuck are both my feet hurting and why is it so bad that I can't even spend 10 minutes chopping/cooking up some meal without my feet really hurting me. All I'm feeling right now is anger and frustration because my body is weaker than a 3 year old's.

An appointment with my family doctor has been set for about 1.5 weeks from now. I'm no medical professional (I wait, I sort of am!) but my best guess is that the arches in my feet have some how miraculously exploded. I've never had arch problems before. One foot (the injured one) was actually resting/healing for the last 1.5 months while the other one was taking all my weight and constantly feeling perfect. It makes no fucking sense!

For now, all I can do is sit and lie down and do nothing...which for me is the worst fate possible. I can't go biking or walking around. I can't get back into yoga. I can't lift weight (since holding the dumbbell puts weight on my feet). I can't see friends, unless they come to me. I can't continue planning my hiking trip in the Adirondacks. All I can do is work, watch tv, eat and ruminate about how I hate my feet.

Anger isn't helpful to me - Okay, scratch that, anger can be EXTREMELY helpful to me, but only if I have an outlet. Problem is that I specifically can't do anything, it just stays in me, so I feel depressed and sad.

This sucks; I feel like it's going to be My Summer Of My Discontent. Even writing this post pisses me off.

Poor Yves

A few months ago, I blogged about a short conversation between my parents, which put the pieces together what should have been a very clear picture that a pair of family friends were gay. Here's the link for the post.

My Mom went out to have dinner with Gaby, my ex-gardienne and mother of Yves (of the gay couple Yves and Serge). They spoke about how each were doing. My Mom filled Gaby in on how our family's doing. She told us all about her kids. It turns out that Yves and Serge split up a few years ago, Yves pretty much went crazy blaming everyone else for his problems and is now estranged from Gaby. There goes that whole happy, hot gay couple image I had going in my head. Coincidentally 3 days ago I had a weird/great great me me sandwiched between Yves and Serge in bed, having a good make-out/fondle party.

Sorry guys. Not all stories end well.

We should all hope that our own will however end well.

Goodbye Little Girl

UUUhhhhh... the last few days have been pretty bad. My family had to say goodbye to our cat, although I would be very justified in saying we had to say goodbye to my cat.

I don't expect people to understand how close we were to her. If you've never owned a pet, you shouldn't understand. If you're not a cat person, then maybe you just don't get it either.

The whole thing was heartbreaking. Over a quick period of 1.5 weeks, my cat went from healthy and normal to barely eating and no longer purring. In a span of a night, two days ago, I woke up to a cat who had lost the ability to walk despite her best efforts to come over to me in the morning. A visit with the veterinarian confirmed she had only a few days to live. Her inability to eat just led to her body failing on her. She wasn't hurting. She just didn't have the energy to function.

We cried; and I cried. She was our one-and-only pet and we've had her since I was 5 years old. Time made it clear that her and I were best friends. My love of all things animal-related stems from her. She would hangout and bug me like no other member of our family. The beginning of her day was quick look out the window and then coming to wake me up. Random, wonderful moments in my life were created by her. She was also a comfort to me when times were not so light.

Tears come to me when I think that 2 nights ago was the last time I would lie on my couch, with her cuddled between my arm and torso. Her head would roll and butt into my side, for warmth and shade from the light. One of her paws would be rested over my body, half as a hug and half to make sure I wasn't about to move away. If she still could have at the time, she would have been purring up a storm.

My brothers, who were in town for Easter, all came around yesterday to say their goodbyes. Everyone's eyes were red from grief. When my Mum and I agreed, I lied her onto my lap for one last moment. Had I not needed crutches, I would have taken her up in my arms and walked her around house and out back so that she had the chance to see each spot one last time - each favorite hangout and hiding place of her. We then put her in the carrying cage and brought her to the local vet hospital for her final destination.

I'm lucky because I've never really felt the death of someone extremely close to me, who I've known for years and makes daily or routine differences in my life...until now. Some might see that title as reserved only for human family members and close friends, but she is that to me. Today was my first full day without her and I sure did notice. Moving around the house, I haven't spotted her and I haven't sat down next to her for a few minutes worth of petting and canoodling. Those little moments were some of the strongest potentiators for my positive moods.

And now all these good things, made by one little good thing are done and gone.

Like all things, I will improve, but not just yet.

I'm gonna publish this post now, because I can go on forever and the keyboard's getting a little wet from tears.

Empty Home, Angry Mind

I love it when the house is empty. I can bring my laptop downstairs and work in the dining room, which is at the heart of my home. I can throw a few CDs into my family's rockin' sound system and listen to the jarringly high-volume music while working or typing a post.

This is one of the reasons I am very much looking forward to my parents heading for Florida on Friday, leaving me alone in peace for over a month. Looks like their vacation is gonna give me the experience of what it feels like to live on my own in an apartment again...well, a lavish, 3 floor apartment, stocked with food I didn't pay for, with giant TVs, a good sound system and neighbors that will never bother me.

Party-house, here we come!

Swerving the topic of this post in a different direction: as I sit here I am listening to an album by The Foals. A friend told me to listen to them a while ago. I really like the band now and I'm fond of almost all the songs on their latest CD (which is a rare feat. for me).

So where am I going with this?

Well, every time I hear the Foals' music I think back to a time when I was a horrible drunken/high asshole at an acquaintance's party. I am not gonna get into the details of that night, but it's safe to say I was kicked out. Why are these two things connected? Well I went to the party when I was at the height of constantly humming one of the Foals' tunes in my head. It's a weird connection, but it's nonetheless there.

OK Thomas, why don't you just get over that mistake? Shit happens, you live you learn, right?

That is true, but this relates to something of importance right now. You see, in early January, Xav and I had a talk. The usual shit: important things, stupid things, fake things - all the good things people should talk about. I mentioned that incident, aside, as a joke of how dumb I was (it was his friends to whom I was a complete dick). Using that as a segway, we got talking about myself. Xav dropped this doosy on me:

"Before you were really Out or comfortable with yourself, you used to get really aggressive and let's-destroy-everything when you were smashed out of your mind. It was hilarious but a little over the top.

Then you started dating or seeing other gay guys, and I noticed - or more in hindsight since you didn't immediately tell use about it - your personality calmed down a lot. When you were super drunk you were just happy and hilarious.

Now, I feel when you drink excessively, you're becoming angrier again. It's not like every time you have a beer you start being an ass, but it's more more frequent. It's been increasing over the last year or so."

Xav and I proceeded to talk about why that is. It's not a difficult guess: When I am seeing other gay people or dating guys, in general I become happier. When I'm not, my personality seems to backtrack to a younger, angrier self. I haven't been on any short-term successful dating in... more than a year. Clearly, when my inhibitions are loose, my resentment and annoyance shows.

Fast forwarding to today, I'm now being a lot more careful of how I act. Whenever I drink, my mind manages to wander back to the Foal's music and the horrible night it's connected to, which become a warning to me in the moment to check my behavior. I haven't done anything horrible since the beginning of January, but still it's in the back of my mind. I want to make sure not to get any worse.

****Edit: Actually, I technically did see someone in the last 6 months: during the Fall there was Guy from the Abandoned Building, if you all recall. But that was so short and not a real relationship, as I see it.

Catching Up 2

Out of the blue, a few days ago, I got a message from my gay ex-roomie. It had been so long since we had last seen each other, so he was looking to hang out and catch-up. Although I still think we don't have much in common, I agreed to meet him at a bar to check how he was doing.

I had a pretty good time tonight with him. The conversation flowed well and it's good to hear things are going well with him.

The inevitable topic of "meeting people" came up and he asked how I was doing on the dating scene. My response was that I pretty much had no real luck. He admitted that he had thought in advance about what my answer to this question would have been. He honestly wasn't surprised that I hadn't been meeting people or going out to bars. He didn't understand how I could be so friendly outgoing but not "stepping up to the plate" with strangers. I explained to him my awkward feelings in bars on my own and that I go out to have fun with friends, as opposed to meeting random people. He seemed genuinely concerned for me and my future.

Him: "Have you ever really thought about it? You have fooled around with so few gay guy - you can even count them on your fingers!"

He continued saying that if I kept like this I wasn't going to be meeting anyone ever.

Obviously, his honesty didn't make me feel too good about myself. I kind of just shrugged it off, with no real answer.

Me: "I don't know. It'll happen when it happens", was the best I could reply.

After about 2 hours, I decided it was time to leave. I kind of felt like I had nothing else to say anyway. I got the same feeling from him.

We decided we would hang out in 2 weeks - or more like that he would give me a call. I still think we have very little in common as friends, but I would be up for going out to a gay bar/club with him. As I've said before: going with friends is very different than going alone. I have lots of fun when I'm there with at least a friend.

Part of me thinks he wants to hangout now because he's coming close to breaking up with his long-term boyfriend, as he explained. He does have the habit of losing touch with/ditching people just because he's dating someone. Another part of me thinks he wants to hangout because he feels pity for me. He wants me to have the chance of meeting someone, especially since I met my last real boyfriend 1.5 years ago through him.

Thinking about our conversation now and with his perspective on my situation, I feel down on myself. Great, thanks ex-roomie...

Either way, if he does call me: yay. If he doesn't: whatever.