"You're a Sick Fuck!"

Mike: blah blah blah.

Mike's Girlfriend: blah-blah, blah-blah.

Tim: Uh-huh, Blah. Blah-blah.

Being temporarily bored, I decided to just say the most random shit:

Me: OH YA? WELL IT'S WORSE THAN WHEN [Mike's Girlfriend's Mom] JUST START FISTING HERSELF IN THE PUSSY, SCREAMING OUT AND THEN [Mike's Girlfriend's Dad] RIPS OFF HIS CLOTHES, TAKES THE DOG AND STARTS FUCKING IT IN THE ASS WHILE RUBBING IT ON [Mike's Girlfriend's Mom] ASS, AND THEN [Mike's Girlfriend's Brother] STARTS LICKING ON SUCKING ON HIS MOM'S TITS, WHILE REACHING AROUND TO FINGER HIS DAD!?

Everyone just looks at me shocked: wide-eyed with mouths hanging open for 3 seconds. Then Tim bursts out laughing.

Hehehe. Man, I'm one sick fuck.

Some People are Dumb

Taxi Driver: What concert did you just come from?

Me: It's a group called Animal Collective.

Taxi Driver: Are they from around here?

Me: Naw, they're from the US...they're a electronic type of group...

Taxi Driver: I BET IT'S LIKE ALL MODERN MUSIC KIDS LIKE THESE DAYS. THEY JUST KEEP SAYING FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: uuuhhh...

Taxi Driver: AHAHAHAHAAH, FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT

Me: uh..hehe...hehe...

Taxi Driver: THEN THEY GO BACK TO THEIR SCHOOLS WITH GUNS AND SHOOT PEOPLE. HAHAHAHA

Me:!!!

Taxi Driver: SOON TEACHERS WILL BE TEACHING BY PROJECTING THEIR IMAGE ONTO A VIDEO SCREENS, AND THE STUDENTS WILL STILL PROBABLY BRING GUNS TO SCHOOL AND SHOOT THE SCREENS.

Me:........

Taxi Driver: Ya know why kids are like that these days? Parents are too lenient with them. They need to smack their kids around to teach them a lesson.

Me: ..... Yaaa.....

And that was Saturday

Mike: [Friend]'s ex girlfriend is coming to the bar, with her new boyfriend. [Friend] hates her so every time she walks by we're going to say out-loud how something smells so bad, in hopes that she'll hear us and think it's her.

Mike's Girlfriend: Urgh, it smells like old, unwashed jeans.

Mike: Urgh, it smells like bunch of pennies.

Liz: Urgh, it smells like armpits.

Other Friend: Urgh, it smells like waxing salon's garbage can.

Me: Urgh, it smells like a boat crate of illegal immigrants.

Mike: Urgh, it smells like vagina filled with a guy's splooge.

Liz: Urgh, it smells like child birth.

Mike's Girlfriend: Urgh, it smells like Arab men hitting each other with dead fish.

Mike: Urgh, smells like an orgy.

Friend: Guys, I am so proud of you all.

And it kept going until I almost died from laughter. We are so mature.

I'm so glad I can [relatively] move around again to see friends.

Crutching

Liz: Is it wrong that I just want to knock away one of your crutches, to watch you fall helplessly to the ground?

Friend: I know! I want to do the same thing!

-----

Friend: I keep imagining you crutching away on your own and then a guy running at you, knocking you over and stealing your wallet...But the thing is, you're the only type of guy I can imagine knocking over a helpless person on crutches, to steal their wallet.

Me: Haha, thanks. Oddly enough though, my Grandmother's friend has been knocked out of her wheelchair, just outside a hospital, by a guy who then stole her purse. Twice.

Group of Friends: !!!!! Hahahaha, aaaaawwwwwwww!

Me: My Grandmother laughs every time she thinks about that.

-----
Clearly, my friends think very highly of me.

And unrelated to the above: Oh god, walking for 2 hours with crutches (a.k.a. crutching for 2 hours), with lots of breaks, is incredibly tiring on the arms and shoulders. Even crutching non-stop for 4 blocks is the worst. I feel dead. The Yoko Ono & John Lennon museum art exhibit was worth it though.

Arrival Home of Parents

Mom: We'll be back at the house in about 2 hours. How've you been?

Thomas: Hehehe, funny you should ask that...um you'll see when you get here..

Mom: Oh no is the basement flooded!?

Thomas: No no, that's fine...

Mom: There was fire!?

Thomas: God, nothing's wrong with the house, all that's fine! I just sort of broke my foot...

Mom: So the basement isn't flooded!?

Thomas: NO IT'S NOT.

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Dad: Okay, let's hear it - how'd you hurt yourself?

Thomas: It's really lame... I just jumped down from this sort of elevated platform, in Mike's new apartment

Dad: Ya ya, I'm sure that's how it was. You were probably drinking and fell off a bar-stool!

Thomas: No no, I just hurt my foot by a complete fluke at his apartment.

Dad: Haha, ya sure....

Wet Dreams

Groups of friends should instigate more dinner parties. I'm talking about the make-the-food-at-home and invite everyone over, so talk, drink, eat and laugh together for an evening. I feel really good that mine went so well yesterday.

Here's the best comment of the night:

Tim: You think that's awkward? You don't know awkward! I still have wet-dreams! I am a 23 year old grown man, and I get wet dreams! In fact, when I was in Vancouver with my family this fall and we shared a bed one night, I had a wet dream. So in the middle of the night I had semen going down my leg, while sharing a bed with my Mom and sister. YOU DON'T KNOW AWKWARD AT ALL!

Mike: !!!
Liz: !!!
Xav: !!!
Me: !!!
[Mike's and Tim's Girlfriends]: !!!

All of us: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wink & Respond

We're in a bar/club.

*Some guy winks at Xav and motions him to come over. Xav and I, who both saw that, look at each other.*

Drunk Me: "Dude! You should go for it!"

Drunk Xav: "Can you NOT live your fantasies through me!?"

Drunk Me: "Haha, oh ya, you like women!"

Quotes of the Night & Cat

And here's a sample of the things that left my friends and I screaming with laughter. Remember, it's all in the delivery.

------

Friend: Oh my god, you're not circumcised?

Tim: No, he's a gentleman - he has a hat.

------

Liz writing on with a marker on my arm:

I wish I had chest hair

------

Tim: I like dating women with a little extra meat on the bones. That way, they're not fast enough to run away from me.

------

Me: I want to cum in your hair

Liz: !!!

------

Liz: Givin' handjobs right, left and center - that's what's for dinner!

------

Unrelated to the funny things heard, Liz drew this for me. Maybe I'm feeling very sappy or I just like cats a lot, but I think it's so cute.


It's going on my note board.

OprahYogaGuys

I have three random things to point out. None of them are relevant to anything, however they are fun from my perspective. Also, it's very likely that I'm a little drunk while typing this so..uh...sorry for the grammar errors. (I can tell I'm drunk because I've started laughing to myself out loud, even though I'm alone in the apartment and it's perfectly silent, hehehehe)

Hehehehehe

Hehehehe

hehe

Ok, enough giggling like a school girl

--------

Random #1:

Obviously, yay Obama. Like the vast majority of Non-Americans, I'm happy he won. I watched his acceptance speech on CNN and I was genuinely touched. I've never listened to any other American presidential speech before, so I have no real base for comparison but I thought it was really well done and in all honesty I had a some tears up in my eyes. But I didn't cry. Manly men don't cry! GGrrrrr, I'll do something manly...eer....uh....kidding, KIDDING!....kidding?

Although I was fully in the moment for the speech, one of my favorite parts was when the CNN camera feed kept switching back to Oprah. Oh course she's black, famous and a huge supporter of Obama's, but there was really no reason for the camera to switch off the future American president for her.


Part of me hoped she would jump onto the stage, join in on the OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA! cheers, then quickly shove Barack off the platform and transition the cheer into OPRAH! OPRAH!

OBAMA OBAMA OPRAMA OPRAMA OPRAM OPRAM OPRAH! OPRAH! OPRAH!

Then hilarity would ensue by her going crazy and then then she would start farting money like in the classic Mad TV parody. Just fast forward to 5:45 for the good stuff:

--------

Random #2

I tried Yoga this week. I think I like; I'm still in the deciding stage. I told my friend and he replied "You just had to try the gayest activity, didn't you? It better not stop us from playing hockey". Yay, for my friends I guess....

Anyway, the instructor might make the difference though. He was really nice when I walked in. As I wrote down my full name, he asked if my last name was common. I told him no. He answered that he thought so because he went to school with my older brother. Wow, what a small world.

At first I don't recognize him. My brother and I all went to the same school, but a 4 years difference is enough to mean I didn't know any of his friends. Eventually, I have this moment where it all clicks in my mind. Yes, I do recognize him! I remember him from sleep-away camp, where he and my brother both worked one summer, a long time ago. Know why I remember him? He dyed his hair blue that summer! Haha, my weird "fetish" strikes again!

During the actual class, he came in and stood shirtless in the front of the class wearing only some tight shorts, while giving instructions. Hmmm, I think I will enjoy yoga indeed.

-------

Random #3

Of course, when I drink and everyone else calls it an early night, I come home and go onto the internet. Here's what I've found tonight. Thank you to the Facebook group called "I'm Sexually Inappropriate with my Friends, But I'm Actually Not Gay."

Aww, Cute

Cheers to all the drunks on the internet tonight/this morning.

And this was Wednesday

Mike: "Back in highschool, people thought my neutral face was me looking unhappy. I got paranoid about it so I started lifting my eyebrows slightly higher to make myself seem more approachable."

Friend: "Whoa, I did that too!"

Me: "Holy shit, people told me the same thing so I also did the eyebrow lift!"

Friend: "Haha, we're so weird!"