Splat

I have never came on my own face until tonight.

In all honest, I'm actually really shocked by it - and there was a lot!

My reaction was to freeze, thinking to myself HOLY SHIT...THAT WAS WEIRD.

In fact, I'm shocked enough to turn on my laptop and write this random diddy in the blog.


So...enjoy!....I suppose....


Oh, and the pictures are in no way related to the post.

Diary

I would like you to keep this photo in mind while reading this short, random post. Also, I would like to point out my pointed toes - it's all in the pointed toes.

This was taken just over a year ago in St. Petersburgh, Russia.

Thomas:
Dear diary,

Xav sucks.

Love Thomas.

PS: See you tomorrow!

Xav: I always knew you were a big girl.

I TALK LIKE THIS

Friend: You know, it's always really easy to tell when you're drunk.

Me: Oh really? How so?

Friend: You get really loud.
Me: Haha, ya... I tend to lose my volume control.

Friend: Oh definitely, you are the worst offender for that. If neighbors ever make a noise complaint, I like to think it's because of you.

Me: Ohhh....well, uh...thanks, I guess...

Tallness

Going to Chinatown for dragon beard candy is perfect for making me feel extremely & awkwardly tall.

"You're a Sick Fuck!"

Mike: blah blah blah.

Mike's Girlfriend: blah-blah, blah-blah.

Tim: Uh-huh, Blah. Blah-blah.

Being temporarily bored, I decided to just say the most random shit:

Me: OH YA? WELL IT'S WORSE THAN WHEN [Mike's Girlfriend's Mom] JUST START FISTING HERSELF IN THE PUSSY, SCREAMING OUT AND THEN [Mike's Girlfriend's Dad] RIPS OFF HIS CLOTHES, TAKES THE DOG AND STARTS FUCKING IT IN THE ASS WHILE RUBBING IT ON [Mike's Girlfriend's Mom] ASS, AND THEN [Mike's Girlfriend's Brother] STARTS LICKING ON SUCKING ON HIS MOM'S TITS, WHILE REACHING AROUND TO FINGER HIS DAD!?

Everyone just looks at me shocked: wide-eyed with mouths hanging open for 3 seconds. Then Tim bursts out laughing.

Hehehe. Man, I'm one sick fuck.

Here's Some Advice

So, the next time that your friend (let's theoretically name him Mike) tells you not to screw around in his new apartment/condo, you should probably listen to him.

When he goes out for a smoke, with this theoretical girlfriend, you should not get your friend (let's theoretically name him Tim) to boost you up onto a mysterious 2nd level of the room (imagine the room to a bathroom that has a space of 3 feet between its own roof and the main loft's roof) in hopes of having fun and scaring said theoretical friends when they return from having a smoke. Of course, one should not decide to jump down from such a height, to land awkwardly and potentially break your foot.

By theoretically breaking one's foot, I mean needing crutches to comfortably move around because simply standing on on of your feet hurts a lot.

Ya, I think that's some good advice.

What Did I Do to Myself!?

And that was Saturday

Oh god, I'm so hungover that I just tipped into a wall, fell down and stayed there for 3 minutes laughing to myself about how stupid I am.

Caribou

I would make a freaking amazing caribou.
I would be irresistible to the other caribou and I would have dozens of little caribou babies.
I would be my own kick-ass amazing caribou-specie.


Or at least I like to think that.
Yup, that's right.
I think about the What Ifs of being a caribou.

And That was Friday

The answer is 7.

The questions is how many times can a bar full of people stand to listen to the same N'Sync song, over and over again, before someone stops Mike from programming the jukebox to play it again.

By time number six, people started groaning loudly and yelling. By time 7, the bartender stopped giving us his dirty look and instead unplugged the the jukebox.

Hahaha, we're assholes.

You're Gay

Maybe I should be bothered (or enraged!) by this, but they are my close friends so we can say anything to each other. Maybe I should be more enlightened and not so stereotypical? Whatever. I don't feel like anything, regardless how taboo or inappropriate, should be unsaid. We also drank lots of Pabs (hispterdom, here I come!)...also I am probably drunk while typing this....HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI:

Me: I've kissed women. It wasn't that great. The last time was when [a girl's name] was drunk and wanted to makeout. I assume she wanted me to do everything cuz I'm the guy...

I'm interrupted -
Tim: See! Thomas is bisexual! He enjoys doing stuff with men and women!

Me: Um, I don't think it work like that...

I'm interrupted again -
Xav: See, I've never really felt the need to have a big ol' cock in my mouth, stabbing me in the back of the throat. Call me crazy, but...

Me: I probably wouldn't say this to other people, but honestly I really like feel of having a cock in my mouth...

I'm interrupted again x 2 -
Tim: Ok, clearly this is proof that Xav and I are straight and you are gay!

Me: What the fuck! Come on, physical skin-on-skin does not mean someone is gay or not. I'm sure that if you got a blowjob, with your eyes closed, you would still get a hard on whether it's a guy or girl. Sex doesn't matter, just whether your body reacts or..

I'm interrupted x 3 -
Tim: - You're gay! You're gay!

Xav: - You're gay You're gay!

Me: Oh god, you're both morons...

Tim & Xav together: You're gay! You're gay!

----------

Some time passes, and we're walking to meet up with some friends at the a bar. Maybe I am tipsy - maybe not.

Xav: I'm not going to sleep with some girl if I don't feel like I could have a real relationship with her...

I interrupt -
Me: - You're gay! You're gay!

Xav: what? that doesn't make sense...

I interrupt x 2 -
Me: You're gay! You're gay!

Tim: No, I understand. Since meeting [my girlfriend], I feel so different about sex and how I I approach the situation with her...

I interrupt x 3 -
Me: You're gay! You're gay!

Xav: You make no sense!

Me: HAHA! How do you like it now, Bitches!



Final Note: HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!

FML

Thank you, oh Gods of the Internets, for allowing me to gaze upon this wonderful website. It is one of your most gracious and benevolent creations:


FML - Fuck My Life
http://www.fmylife.com/

It's a super simple public blog, where people post the shitty (and hilarious!) things that have happened to them. People can vote on whether the situation is their own fault or just shitty luck.

The three that made me LoL the most were:

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML


Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML


Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML


This will aid my procrastinating for a long time. Amen to the Lords of the Internets.

FireFox

I'm sure this'll make you all think I, the writer of this blog, is actually a 9 year old girl, but here it is anyway:




AAHHH, MY HEART IS MELTED

<3

Love AdBuster, Hate Jumpin Jammerz

While perusing a catalog I found on the train, I saw this. I am tempted to order one of these, just to beg the question: WHO IN THE RIGHT MIND BUYS AN ADULT VERSION OF A PYJAMA-ONE-PIECE?

I must admit, though, that the top-center model's enthusiasm is quite amazing.

------

Unrelated to the above, I love Love LOVE this article in AdBusters magazine:
Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization


(Don't be fooled by the fact that I love to joke about desperately trying to hard to become a hipster...which reminds me, I DESPERATELY need to buy some new extra-tight jeans).

I used to be an avid reader of AdBuster, back in highschool and CEGEP, since both of my schools had subscriptions in the library. From time to time, I take the current issue off the shelf in bookstores, and sit down to read it all. I won't pretend that "I get" or agree with all the topics they cover in each issue, but I do really like their alternative style. The articles, the art and the message...all of it is SO GOOD.

I just ordered a 1 year subscription from them. This would be the first magazine I have found worthy to subscribed to.

So really, I didn't do anything

Instead of going over what I did, from hour to hour and day to day, of my week-long trip in Washington DC and New York, how about I just list the good things/fun things I noticed, overheard or learned?


Ya, I think that would be the best idea too.

Don't take anything I say seriously. Some of what I say is just a split-second, baseless observation...kind of like when some DC friends visited me here, in Montreal, and stereotyped the tiniest things to being cultural norms in the city: like everyone eats green apples, because they saw 4 people doing that when they first got off the train.

Okay, well, here we go:

- In DC, people only wear black coat/pants combos. They might have been born with them.

- NY is always cold. Subways, restaurants, lobbies, hostel rooms, cafes...no one uses heating.

- I get overlly excited when I find unintentionally-Canadian themed paraphernalia in the US.


- According to some gay man, when I'm bored and rudely listening to other peoples' conversations: "I have this theory about Black butts and German butts: they're shaped the same and that's why we both like Hugo Boss".

- The Manhattan "express" subway trains can go blow themselves.

- The DC metro makes me feel like I'm in the future.


- A Girl: "Oh, I'm sorry sir we're all out of soup... Ooohh, it looks like I just broke your heart." Yes. Yes she did.

- Calzones are fucking delicious.

- Crazy people live in "fenced-communities" in Georgetown, a.k.a. Alicia's parents.

- I should have never left Brooklyn.

- All Japanese backpackers yell out, in an extremely stereotypical accent: "Oh No! He is Sumo!" when I lift their bags up two flights of stairs, since they apparently have no muscles.

- I am never a threat, according to the US border guards. The Latina woman sitting near me, however, is always a threat to national security.

- Free Los Campesinos! concerts are extra special.


- People who commute 2 hours in the morning and then evening, to get to/from work in New York, are nuts.

- I have no shame about being creepy and taking a [bad] photo of an unsuspecting stranger, whom I think is hot. What got me? He has a an even layer of stuble, he was pretty intense into reading his book, and had eyes that made he look like a lost puppy. So cute.


- Everyone outside of DC hates everyone in DC. Vice-versa as well.

- Large amounts of fun can be had with 2$ kids gloves and a giant, hollow chocolate Santa for 95% off.

And this was Sunday...

In case you had ever wondered, this is what I would look like if I was a prison-bitch.

With this knowledge, you can now sleep better at night.

TextSleep-BonersFantasy

I've just came home from an early night of drinking again, so it's time for 3 random, shameless and short posts.
Unfortunately, I'm not drunk. Only buzzed. Or more like happy-tipsy, which is not bad.

MMmmmmm happppyyy tipppppssssyy.

hheeeeeeeehhheeeeeee

------

Random #1

While at work/bobbing my head to good music, I received a text message from Fiona:

Just had 2 gin & tonics before class. Are you proud?

Haha, yes I am! I'm glad my delinquent behavior has seeped itself into my friends. As a wanna-be chartered accountant, Fiona getting drunk (yes, she's a light-weight) before a very important class is wonderful!

Down with society! (I don't know why...)
Down with sobriety! (Oh, I know why.)

------

Random #2

I miss sleep-boners.

You all know what I'm talking about! There's no shame in it! It happens when you're tired, bored, whenever you're somewhat trying to stay awake. I used to get them all the time in university because I would get bored in class. My mind would wander, then my eyelids get heavy and I would have to struggle to listen to the prof.... Then bam! Sleep-Boner Time. A big, hard erection, that wouldn't go away. All I could do was sit back and enjoy.

They were always fun, because I would start fantasizing about hot guys and what I would do to them (or what they would do to me). Being half-awake and half-assleep was the perfect mindset for fantasizing. I would also sometimes move my leg a little from side to side, so that the head of my dick was rubbing against up and down my leg, with a nice slow pressure. Just up and down...no one in the room could tell...ah, it felt so good...

Before I became more important and active in my work meetings, I used to get very bored because I would be sitting "in the background" (remember, we have voice meetings only so that can't see me), with nothing to say. Since I had to stay awake and listen, I would get the sleep-boners all the time. Of course, since I was usually at home when this happened, there would be nothing wrong with my hand wandering down to my waist a bit...just to see if it could get things going...

Nooooo, I would never start touching myself while being payed to attend a meeting...

What sort of person do you all think I am!?

It's not like I could just mute my microphone...

And it's not like I'm faceless and they can't see what was on my 2nd monitor, which potentially could be extremely Not-Safe-For-Work....No, of course not...

I wouldn't do that!...I'm an oustanding young lad with no moral indecency...

Ha ha ha, yaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

------

Random #3

The best nights of sleep are when you slowly drift to into that deep quiet, while imagining fooling around with a really hot guy and then wake up the very next day still thinking about the same person.
Oh man, that's good.

------

Cheers to everyone with sleep-boners and fantasies while falling asleep and waking up.

And this was Saturday

Based on Rock Band, my friends and I are going to be household names in about a year. We're THAT good. I am an amazing drummer, if I do say-so myself.

We're aiming to be douche-preteen sensations or death metal musicians, who do lines of coke off the Economist magazine before concerts. We've not yet decided...