The First Person to Know

My memory may not be the sharpest thing in the world, but there are two connected moments in my "gay life" that I remember as clear as day: Those two instances are of the first person to whom I ever told I was gay and the first person who betrayed the seriousness of the secret of my confession. This post will feature the first person I came out to. Tomorrow's post will be about me being outed.

A good back history and lead-up to this post can be found here.

About 5 and a half years ago, in my second term of CEGEP, I had found myself surrounded by a pretty good group of friends. They were different from people I had originally known in high school and I was getting pretty close with a few of them.

The person with whom I had bonded most was named Fiona. We had first met in math class and go to know each other quickly since we both loved to skip that class to eat food and watch tv in the lounge. (Unrelated to this story: we skipped about a third of those classes. I got 92% as a final mark and Fiona failed the class.)

We would talk all the time at school and from our computers. Did we say anything useful? Of course not, but that's just how I liked it. I don't know what led me to deciding to tell her I was gay, but I knew she would be my first: the first person I would test so see how someone would react to a "gay person"; the first person I would ever let hear my real thoughts and fears.

I was big wuss about it. I wasn't able to tell Fiona "I'm gay" to her face. Instead, I wrote the message over MSN Messenger. Before even touching the keyboard, I was physically trembling. Nothing like shivering; I was literally shaking - like someone having a panic attack or mild seizure. I wrote the words out and hit enter. Then I stared at the screen and waited.

Her reaction, in written form, was that of surprise. She had never thought I could have been gay. She was immediately really supportive. I kept trembling for another 30 minutes, as she asked a few questions and I gave brief answers. We eventually said our goodbyes and we both went offline.

The next day, Fiona sat next to me in the morning and at first said nothing. Eventually, she asked if I was feeling OK and I said yes. She treated me just like she had every other day. Nothing different, just the same old sarcasm and humor I had come to appreciate. Looking back, Fiona was the perfect person for me to have came out to first. Considering my personality, her reaction was exactly what my deeply-closeted and protective self needed. I wasn't about to dump all my suppressed thoughts feelings on her, but this was a start. I would need years to really learn to open up completely. This was a baby step.