Going at It Alone

While in New York, I took the chance to make my first attempt at going to a gay bar on my own.

I've lamented on-and-on about how I don't meet many gay people, and all-too-often I don't get along with the ones I do speak with (whether we just can't relate or dislike one-another). Regardless of whether maybe I'm awkward, maybe I'm unlucky or maybe they're always just crazy (or possibly all of the above), I agree with what my friends seem to say: I deserve to be happy. I want to meet more queer people, so I need to be proactive by doing something to make it happen.

Of course, it's easier said than done. Going to straight bar on my own is one thing, but going to a gay establishment on my own is another. Let me remind you all of my recently posted tryst to work at a cafe in the Village. I'm just not used to being in a specifically "gay environment" on my own. Should I feel uncomfortable about it all? No I shouldn't - and I realize that something's wrong with me for not being able to relax. The only way to get used to the situation, however, is to experience it. Everyone has to start somewhere.

So my first night in New York, I followed recommendations from a friend (you rock Guy from Chicago) by heading to a seemingly relaxed bar called Nowhere, in the East Village. I won't lie: my nervousness built up little by little that evening, before even heading out on the subway to the bar. My nerves didn't let up either. As my ID was getting checked by the bouncer, I felt really overwhelmed by the number of people crowding the bar, all talking to each other and having a good time. So many people would potentially be looking at me on my own...it just felt to weird. I ended up walking from the door, to the back of the bar and then walking straight back to the front to leave. No coat off or any pause; I just needed to get the hell out of there. My visit lasted about 30 seconds. It was all too much.

Walking back to the subway with my tail between my legs, I felt like failure. I couldn't even do something as little as going to a bar on my own, ordering a drink and hanging out for 10 minutes. A part of me even wanted to cry, as pathetic as that sounds. The feelings didn't let up any time soon. I went back to the hostel and played around with my laptop, brooding over my inadequacy. An attempt was made at writing out my feelings at the time, into a blog post, but I couldn't get anything into coherent sentences. That was a shitty night in New York.

On a short plus side, A quick "Status" update on my Facebook (yes I know, I'm LAME, though I promise I rarely puts updates there) saying "Thomas is really disappointed in himself" got a surprising number of concerned responses from friends, including Mike, Alicia and Kieran, all wondering what was wrong with me. That made me feel better.

The next day, all mistakes from the previous night were forgiven and I went about exploring New York.

Come the next night, I was at an awesome, free Los Campesinos! concert. By comparison to the gay bar from the day before, I felt pretty at ease in this hipster bar (aka "Straight" environment) for drinking and seeing the show. After a few beers of liquid courage, à la PBR, and the end of Los Campesinos!, I decided to take a 2nd crack at the Nowhere gay bar from the night before.

I took the situation much better this time: the gay bar had fewer people, much more relaxed (and boring) this night. I even took off my jacket and had enough time to lose my hostel key! I hung around for about 20 minutes, having a beer. There was no one my age there and I didn't really feel the need or want to talk to anyone, had they even been my age.

I wish I could say I had done that purely on my own, by getting over my own discomfort, but I know the beers I drank from the concert did most of it.

As a hindsight-sidenote: when hanging out there, I did notice that I was mostly just starring around at other people in the bar (well, there was nothing else to stare at..). When I think about it, I was just sizing up the other patrons and I think I was kind of acting "cruisey", not that I really know what that feels like. To be honest, it kind of creeps me out that I was feeling like I was solely checking people out and potentially inflating my own self-esteem by comparing myself to them and pretending I would actually hit on them. Odd, just odd....

For bar adventures on my own, I do have some ways to go. Maybe this isn't the right way to meet people, but at least I'm initiating something different.