Out of the blue, a few days ago, I got a message from my gay ex-roomie. It had been so long since we had last seen each other, so he was looking to hang out and catch-up. Although I still think we don't have much in common, I agreed to meet him at a bar to check how he was doing.
I had a pretty good time tonight with him. The conversation flowed well and it's good to hear things are going well with him.
The inevitable topic of "meeting people" came up and he asked how I was doing on the dating scene. My response was that I pretty much had no real luck. He admitted that he had thought in advance about what my answer to this question would have been. He honestly wasn't surprised that I hadn't been meeting people or going out to bars. He didn't understand how I could be so friendly outgoing but not "stepping up to the plate" with strangers. I explained to him my awkward feelings in bars on my own and that I go out to have fun with friends, as opposed to meeting random people. He seemed genuinely concerned for me and my future.
Him: "Have you ever really thought about it? You have fooled around with so few gay guy - you can even count them on your fingers!"
He continued saying that if I kept like this I wasn't going to be meeting anyone ever.
Obviously, his honesty didn't make me feel too good about myself. I kind of just shrugged it off, with no real answer.
Me: "I don't know. It'll happen when it happens", was the best I could reply.
After about 2 hours, I decided it was time to leave. I kind of felt like I had nothing else to say anyway. I got the same feeling from him.
We decided we would hang out in 2 weeks - or more like that he would give me a call. I still think we have very little in common as friends, but I would be up for going out to a gay bar/club with him. As I've said before: going with friends is very different than going alone. I have lots of fun when I'm there with at least a friend.
Part of me thinks he wants to hangout now because he's coming close to breaking up with his long-term boyfriend, as he explained. He does have the habit of losing touch with/ditching people just because he's dating someone. Another part of me thinks he wants to hangout because he feels pity for me. He wants me to have the chance of meeting someone, especially since I met my last real boyfriend 1.5 years ago through him.
Thinking about our conversation now and with his perspective on my situation, I feel down on myself. Great, thanks ex-roomie...
Either way, if he does call me: yay. If he doesn't: whatever.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wink & Respond
We're in a bar/club.
*Some guy winks at Xav and motions him to come over. Xav and I, who both saw that, look at each other.*
Drunk Me: "Dude! You should go for it!"
Drunk Xav: "Can you NOT live your fantasies through me!?"
Drunk Me: "Haha, oh ya, you like women!"
*Some guy winks at Xav and motions him to come over. Xav and I, who both saw that, look at each other.*
Drunk Me: "Dude! You should go for it!"
Drunk Xav: "Can you NOT live your fantasies through me!?"
Drunk Me: "Haha, oh ya, you like women!"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Centered Again
If yesterday can be described as me freakin' out,
then today is feeling good, with my sights on 'the big plan'.
then today is feeling good, with my sights on 'the big plan'.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Rant
I need to keep busy.
I need to stay away from the internet.
I need to spend less time alone at my family's home.
I need to stop reading books by Brett Easton Ellis.
I need to spend more time with my friends.
I need to visit my brother in Texas.
I need to accept that my Mom loves having me around the house.
I need to tell-off Kieran and Liz when they dismiss the worries I share with them.
I need to run more.
I need to let go of the things I cannot change immediately.
Okay, that's a lot of things to explain. Reiteration of my blog #3306: I'm nuts. Some of these thoughts or insights have become clear to me a month ago and others have become clear in the last few days. Let's start from the top of the list.
If I have too much time on my hands and not enough to do, I end up doing three things: brooding over past events/conversations in my mind, watching useless TV or going on the internet.
I have a bad habit of falling into a routine of thinking endlessly about past things that "didn't go in my favor". It becomes a circular thought and just replays over and over again, making me feel worse about the outcome. The more I think negatively like that, the less I want to actually go and do something substantial.
The TV just makes me lazy and unfocused. Don't watch any show in particular but I get used to sitting and doing nothing...
With the internet, I end up just reading lots of blogs (that I normally don't even like) or watching porn. Either way, I'm just pointlessly reading or watching other people live out their love or sex lives, which then reminds me of what I currently don't have. This isn't healthy to get lost in negatively or live vicariously through others, so I need to get away from this. I'm not seeing any guy? - oh well, boohoo, time to get over myself. It'll happen when it happens.
Leaving the house more often is conductive to me doing something useful with my time and staying away from the internet (or at least the negative parts of it). No more surfing the net, with no real aim or interest. I should work away from home, because at home I become unfocused and then my minds wanders to *take a wild guess now* BAM! Negative stuff and porn.
Brett Easton Ellis writes some damn good books, that focus on mostly youth just wasting away without any ability to connect to others or even themselves. They do nothing, regret doing nothing but see no alternative.
Guess what I'm afraid of? There ya go: all of that. I love the two books of his I have read (Less Than Zero is terrifyingly awesome) and I'm about to finish The Rules of Attraction, but they just get my angry. Does that even make sense? I love and hate them? I mean, I described the characters to Liz once and she replied "Wow, that sounds like you." That freaked the shit out of me.
Hanging out with my friends gives me a good grip on reality and stops my mind from just brooding over things that can no longer be changed. I can tell them things and they make me relaxed. Living at home with my parents has made it difficult to see them, so I haven't been "grounded" as much as I need to be. I need my friends.
I like traveling. While away in NY and DC (and Europe last summer), I didn't over-think or brood. I was calm. Everything was clear. Staying at home for too long just gets to me. I should visit my oldest brother in Texas. I need to make an effort to reconnect with him. I also think it would be a good point to tell him I'm gay. I feel confident and relaxed about the idea of telling him.
My Mom loves talking to me when I'm at home. Her being retired, I bring variety and conversation to her potentially monotonous world. As you know, I work from home so she gets to see me a lot. As a consequence, she has begun adopting my personality and sayings a bit. The other day, she used my classic over-dramaticism and dark humour:
"Great, if that idiot calls here one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the face!"
or
Me: "OK, I'm going out. If I don't come back, call the police."
Her: "Naw, I'm not calling the police. I'm the one who arranged the hit anyway. I just want your laptop."
It's endearing. Really, it is. There's no hiding it - I like it. Although I may want to run away from the house all the time, wanting to get away from my parents is only SOMETIMES the reason. That is a good thing.
When I share some of my worries, such as parts of the above stuff, Liz and Kieran seem to have developed similar reactions: they pretend it's not a problem and dismiss it. "Naw, you're fine", combined with them changing the subject immediately.
Now, that shit is not gonna fly. I don't dominate conversations with my problems nor do I mention the particular topics often. If they don't care fine - then I'm not going to tell them these things. But I am definitely not going to be caring when they start talking about their problems. I'm also not going to hold this in: "Hey Liz/Kieran, stop being a dick by being rude to me."
As of late it's been pretty cold, so I haven't been able to go running much. Pent up energy = a mind that's too active = too much over thinking = not much sleep. I think I'll join a gym. A treadmill would do some good. I could also try using the weights, since the ones I own definitely aren't the greatest.
The most important of all: it's time to let go of this negative self-talk. I can't change the past, I can only do things now so I don't need anymore of this "busy brain" making me freak out about so much useless shit. Brett Easton Ellis? Good writer but I am definitely no Clay from Less than Zero, so let's stop that. Time to get things done. Find a plane ticket. Wake up earlier to get out of the house for some cafe-work. Workout more. Get a driver's license for a road trip this summer. Initiate that mini-business idea.
It always feels good to write things down.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Queue Leu Leu
Yesterday was a great night. An acquaintance had her birthday at this awesome bar in Old Montreal. The theme of the place is that everyone gets up onto the tables and benches to dance their heart outs. There`s a catwalk-style stage going through the center for people to jump up on as well. The more people there are up on the tables, getting their shimmy on, the more likely the MC comes over to you with free beer.
It`s safe to say the birthday girl, Xav, Tim, Mike, Mike's Girlfriend, Liz, myself and friends annihilated our poor livers with beer, while gyrating our hips in every direction on the floor, on top of tables and on stage. Every other person in the bar was going just as wild as us, so beer was constantly getting spilt over people and it wasn't uncommon to see someone slip and fall off a table. The great part is that each time someone took a dive, they just stood right back up, not worried about it and went back to dancing.
So although the below picture does make the place seem like a male strip joint, it in fact was not.
Without a doubt, I am the best/most awkward drunk, skinny guy dancer. I love it.
Music-wise, the bar is more of a traditional French-Canadian place, so they mix in Quebecois folk songs with the standard popular music. Although I don't know many French songs, nor was I in a mental state to remember some of the unknown songs blaring through the speakers last night, when Ça fait rire les oiseaux came on I went wild with the rest of the bar.
Ça fait rir' les oiseaux.
Ça fait chanter les abeilles.
Ça chasse les nuages
Et fait briller le soleil.
Ça fait rir' les oiseaux
Et danser les écureuils.
Ça rajoute des couleurs
Aux couleurs de l'arc-en-ciel.
Ça fait rire les oiseaux,
Oooooh, oooooh, ooooooh - rir' les oiseaux
Ça fait rire les oiseaux,
Oooooh, oooooh, ooooooh - rir' les oiseaux.
Ça fait chanter les abeilles.
Ça chasse les nuages
Et fait briller le soleil.
Ça fait rir' les oiseaux
Et danser les écureuils.
Ça rajoute des couleurs
Aux couleurs de l'arc-en-ciel.
Ça fait rire les oiseaux,
Oooooh, oooooh, ooooooh - rir' les oiseaux
Ça fait rire les oiseaux,
Oooooh, oooooh, ooooooh - rir' les oiseaux.
It's really the quintessential Quebec song, that is familiar to every person from this province. Everyone always joins in to sing it too, possibly because the law stipulates we have to. Don't quote me on that one though.
Feel free to copy/paste the song into google translation, if you'd like. The words are actually really stupid, but that doesn't stop the fact that the song is amazing. There's no real music video for it, but I did manage to find a random primary school concert video on YouTube, that features the song. Watch 5 year olds, dressed as bees, dance around on stage to the song!
Amazing.
The hot guy from New Years was also there. Looking back at the pictures I took from last night, clearly the drunk me really likes him since he's in most of the photos. Too bad he's very straight. Damn cute, funny, friendly straight people.
By the time we left at 3am, we all stunk of sweat, split beer and joy.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Chance
While sitting in a cafe yesterday afternoon, doing some work, a memory popped into my head. The memory was of a certain person, from a certain moment about a year ago.
Recalling it randomly like that gave me a weird chill down my back. I looked over my shoulder, to make sure he wasn't in the room.
Phew, he's wasn't. Awkward moment averted.
How random; thinking about that night, right now.
The person I'm thinking of is an acquaintance from a year ago. We knew each other as mutual friends through Kieran. Our mutual gangs of friends had hung out a few times, so we got to talking a bit. At first meeting, I immediately knew he was gay or bi - wasn't a hard guess, really. Over the few months of being acquaintances, we spoke a little more each meeting. I went to one of his productions - he's an actor. Although theater's not my thing, it was cool to watch.
Come January last year, I felt like going out to the Village. It has been a while since my last time there, since my friendship with my group of my former gay friends had continued down the road to dissolution. After all, none of us had anything in common other than sexuality.
I decided to call up this acquaintance. Maybe he could be a cool gay friend to hang out with, if I got to know him better. He thought it was a great idea, as well, to go to a gay bar and club as friends. I remember accentuating the as friends part, when making the offer. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.
The night-of, we shared 3 pitchers together, before going to the club. We spoke a lot - or more should I say I spoke with myself a lot. Early into the night it became pretty obvious why Kieran never hung out much with this guy. He wasn't really interesting and had nothing much to say. He was definitely nice, but his personality was rather passive and bland, as opposed to active. Someone else always has to say the first thing, suggest the first idea or act first with this type of person. I pretty much said and did what I wanted, and he went along with it. Still, I did have a great time and so did he, as someone just following me in every sense of the meaning...
As last call approached, when we were later at the club, he started feeding me drinks. He also began grinding up on me a little too much. I do very much like dancing with friends and dancing close with gay friends (hey, who doesn't like touching bodies?), but he was going a little too much on me. In all honesty too, he really wasn't attractive (yes, I'm shallow and I prefer touching good looking friends and strangers. Whatever.).
Anyway, the lights soon came on, we got our jackets and headed out into the snow-swept night/morning.
We caught a taxi. I stayed in briefly, only to get to my nighttime bus stop, thereby saving myself some money. We were heading in completely different directions anyway.
So there I was. Alone on an oddly-quiet downtown street at 3:30 am. Heavy snowfall blanketed everything. You couldn't see much beyond 20 metres in front of you.
Most romantic movies these days always involve one of the characters taking a leap to win over the other person. We're all familiar with it: The person puts himself/herself out there completely, for their potential love to either affectionately accept them or bitterly reject them. It's that chance that makes the moment beautiful and intense, in movies. Of course from my point of view, it's also that chance that makes most romantic movies so corny. I blame Disney for this cultural garbage.
From the white-out, I saw a silhouette approach me from across the streets. Oh God, I thought. It's one of these chances.
I just knew it was him. He had apparently gotten out of the taxi 2 or 3 blocks after me and walked back toward my bus stop.
The silhouette became clearer, as the person approached. As I watched the figure become clearer, the gist of my thoughts were this:
Oh come on. Don't do this! It's going to be so awkward...
The silhouette, now a young man's body, began crossing the street toward me.
Ah jeez, OK Thomas.....Don't be drunk right now...be extra considerate....Hmm, I wish I was eating some pizza right now...
And then he was next to me.
Man, I really want to eat some Al-Taib pizza...
Him: Hey Thomas
Me: Hey [Acquaintance's name]
And he took his chance.
Saving the mushy-gushy stuff, here's the Cliff Notes of his speech as he exposed his drunken heart to me:
Him: I really like talking to you...you're good looking...I really understand what you mean when we spoke about familiarity and affection at the bar...I really like you...I want to go out with you...
The whole time he was telling me this, I was thinking how I really wanted to eat some pizza. Yep, I'm a bastard.
I was very understanding and nice about the circumstance. Exposing one's self like can be damaging. I explained that he was really cool but I wasn't interested in him like that. To make sure he would be OK, I then invited him to come get pizza with me from the 24H pizza place close-by. Catastrophe averted (me for) and a pizza reward - perfect!
We spoke some more at the pizza place - or I mean I spoke with myself some more. He seemed to be coping alright, considering his heart might have felt like it went through a blender after my rejection. He was still kind of drunk too, so everything is extra intense then.
We eventually went our separate ways - again.
The next morning I found a Facebook message from him, apologizing and hoping the intensely awkward moment could be forgotten and we could be friends. I ended up replying it was OK, and to not worry about the situation. I didn't actually want to be friends with him, because his personality was just really uninteresting. I did feel bad though, because he would assume I'd want to avoid him because of the chance he took. It's not like I could correct him and say:
"No, I don't care that you're infatuated with me. I actually don't want to be friends with you because you lack a personality and you're boring."
Since last year I've ran into him once or twice. I have good reasoning for wanting to dive behind a table instead of running into him at a cafe. Let me confirm: aaawwwkkkkwwwaarddddd.
Recalling it randomly like that gave me a weird chill down my back. I looked over my shoulder, to make sure he wasn't in the room.
Phew, he's wasn't. Awkward moment averted.
How random; thinking about that night, right now.
The person I'm thinking of is an acquaintance from a year ago. We knew each other as mutual friends through Kieran. Our mutual gangs of friends had hung out a few times, so we got to talking a bit. At first meeting, I immediately knew he was gay or bi - wasn't a hard guess, really. Over the few months of being acquaintances, we spoke a little more each meeting. I went to one of his productions - he's an actor. Although theater's not my thing, it was cool to watch.
Come January last year, I felt like going out to the Village. It has been a while since my last time there, since my friendship with my group of my former gay friends had continued down the road to dissolution. After all, none of us had anything in common other than sexuality.
I decided to call up this acquaintance. Maybe he could be a cool gay friend to hang out with, if I got to know him better. He thought it was a great idea, as well, to go to a gay bar and club as friends. I remember accentuating the as friends part, when making the offer. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.
The night-of, we shared 3 pitchers together, before going to the club. We spoke a lot - or more should I say I spoke with myself a lot. Early into the night it became pretty obvious why Kieran never hung out much with this guy. He wasn't really interesting and had nothing much to say. He was definitely nice, but his personality was rather passive and bland, as opposed to active. Someone else always has to say the first thing, suggest the first idea or act first with this type of person. I pretty much said and did what I wanted, and he went along with it. Still, I did have a great time and so did he, as someone just following me in every sense of the meaning...
As last call approached, when we were later at the club, he started feeding me drinks. He also began grinding up on me a little too much. I do very much like dancing with friends and dancing close with gay friends (hey, who doesn't like touching bodies?), but he was going a little too much on me. In all honesty too, he really wasn't attractive (yes, I'm shallow and I prefer touching good looking friends and strangers. Whatever.).
Anyway, the lights soon came on, we got our jackets and headed out into the snow-swept night/morning.
We caught a taxi. I stayed in briefly, only to get to my nighttime bus stop, thereby saving myself some money. We were heading in completely different directions anyway.
So there I was. Alone on an oddly-quiet downtown street at 3:30 am. Heavy snowfall blanketed everything. You couldn't see much beyond 20 metres in front of you.
Most romantic movies these days always involve one of the characters taking a leap to win over the other person. We're all familiar with it: The person puts himself/herself out there completely, for their potential love to either affectionately accept them or bitterly reject them. It's that chance that makes the moment beautiful and intense, in movies. Of course from my point of view, it's also that chance that makes most romantic movies so corny. I blame Disney for this cultural garbage.
From the white-out, I saw a silhouette approach me from across the streets. Oh God, I thought. It's one of these chances.
I just knew it was him. He had apparently gotten out of the taxi 2 or 3 blocks after me and walked back toward my bus stop.
The silhouette became clearer, as the person approached. As I watched the figure become clearer, the gist of my thoughts were this:
Oh come on. Don't do this! It's going to be so awkward...
The silhouette, now a young man's body, began crossing the street toward me.
Ah jeez, OK Thomas.....Don't be drunk right now...be extra considerate....Hmm, I wish I was eating some pizza right now...
And then he was next to me.
Man, I really want to eat some Al-Taib pizza...
Him: Hey Thomas
Me: Hey [Acquaintance's name]
And he took his chance.
Saving the mushy-gushy stuff, here's the Cliff Notes of his speech as he exposed his drunken heart to me:
Him: I really like talking to you...you're good looking...I really understand what you mean when we spoke about familiarity and affection at the bar...I really like you...I want to go out with you...
The whole time he was telling me this, I was thinking how I really wanted to eat some pizza. Yep, I'm a bastard.
I was very understanding and nice about the circumstance. Exposing one's self like can be damaging. I explained that he was really cool but I wasn't interested in him like that. To make sure he would be OK, I then invited him to come get pizza with me from the 24H pizza place close-by. Catastrophe averted (me for) and a pizza reward - perfect!
We spoke some more at the pizza place - or I mean I spoke with myself some more. He seemed to be coping alright, considering his heart might have felt like it went through a blender after my rejection. He was still kind of drunk too, so everything is extra intense then.
We eventually went our separate ways - again.
The next morning I found a Facebook message from him, apologizing and hoping the intensely awkward moment could be forgotten and we could be friends. I ended up replying it was OK, and to not worry about the situation. I didn't actually want to be friends with him, because his personality was just really uninteresting. I did feel bad though, because he would assume I'd want to avoid him because of the chance he took. It's not like I could correct him and say:
"No, I don't care that you're infatuated with me. I actually don't want to be friends with you because you lack a personality and you're boring."
Since last year I've ran into him once or twice. I have good reasoning for wanting to dive behind a table instead of running into him at a cafe. Let me confirm: aaawwwkkkkwwwaarddddd.
Good Ow
So wonderfully sore from ice hockey. It's surprising that my first time out has only been tonight.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Going at It Alone
While in New York, I took the chance to make my first attempt at going to a gay bar on my own.
I've lamented on-and-on about how I don't meet many gay people, and all-too-often I don't get along with the ones I do speak with (whether we just can't relate or dislike one-another). Regardless of whether maybe I'm awkward, maybe I'm unlucky or maybe they're always just crazy (or possibly all of the above), I agree with what my friends seem to say: I deserve to be happy. I want to meet more queer people, so I need to be proactive by doing something to make it happen.
Of course, it's easier said than done. Going to straight bar on my own is one thing, but going to a gay establishment on my own is another. Let me remind you all of my recently posted tryst to work at a cafe in the Village. I'm just not used to being in a specifically "gay environment" on my own. Should I feel uncomfortable about it all? No I shouldn't - and I realize that something's wrong with me for not being able to relax. The only way to get used to the situation, however, is to experience it. Everyone has to start somewhere.
So my first night in New York, I followed recommendations from a friend (you rock Guy from Chicago) by heading to a seemingly relaxed bar called Nowhere, in the East Village. I won't lie: my nervousness built up little by little that evening, before even heading out on the subway to the bar. My nerves didn't let up either. As my ID was getting checked by the bouncer, I felt really overwhelmed by the number of people crowding the bar, all talking to each other and having a good time. So many people would potentially be looking at me on my own...it just felt to weird. I ended up walking from the door, to the back of the bar and then walking straight back to the front to leave. No coat off or any pause; I just needed to get the hell out of there. My visit lasted about 30 seconds. It was all too much.
Walking back to the subway with my tail between my legs, I felt like failure. I couldn't even do something as little as going to a bar on my own, ordering a drink and hanging out for 10 minutes. A part of me even wanted to cry, as pathetic as that sounds. The feelings didn't let up any time soon. I went back to the hostel and played around with my laptop, brooding over my inadequacy. An attempt was made at writing out my feelings at the time, into a blog post, but I couldn't get anything into coherent sentences. That was a shitty night in New York.
On a short plus side, A quick "Status" update on my Facebook (yes I know, I'm LAME, though I promise I rarely puts updates there) saying "Thomas is really disappointed in himself" got a surprising number of concerned responses from friends, including Mike, Alicia and Kieran, all wondering what was wrong with me. That made me feel better.
The next day, all mistakes from the previous night were forgiven and I went about exploring New York.
Come the next night, I was at an awesome, free Los Campesinos! concert. By comparison to the gay bar from the day before, I felt pretty at ease in this hipster bar (aka "Straight" environment) for drinking and seeing the show. After a few beers of liquid courage, à la PBR, and the end of Los Campesinos!, I decided to take a 2nd crack at the Nowhere gay bar from the night before.
I took the situation much better this time: the gay bar had fewer people, much more relaxed (and boring) this night. I even took off my jacket and had enough time to lose my hostel key! I hung around for about 20 minutes, having a beer. There was no one my age there and I didn't really feel the need or want to talk to anyone, had they even been my age.
I wish I could say I had done that purely on my own, by getting over my own discomfort, but I know the beers I drank from the concert did most of it.
As a hindsight-sidenote: when hanging out there, I did notice that I was mostly just starring around at other people in the bar (well, there was nothing else to stare at..). When I think about it, I was just sizing up the other patrons and I think I was kind of acting "cruisey", not that I really know what that feels like. To be honest, it kind of creeps me out that I was feeling like I was solely checking people out and potentially inflating my own self-esteem by comparing myself to them and pretending I would actually hit on them. Odd, just odd....
For bar adventures on my own, I do have some ways to go. Maybe this isn't the right way to meet people, but at least I'm initiating something different.
I've lamented on-and-on about how I don't meet many gay people, and all-too-often I don't get along with the ones I do speak with (whether we just can't relate or dislike one-another). Regardless of whether maybe I'm awkward, maybe I'm unlucky or maybe they're always just crazy (or possibly all of the above), I agree with what my friends seem to say: I deserve to be happy. I want to meet more queer people, so I need to be proactive by doing something to make it happen.
Of course, it's easier said than done. Going to straight bar on my own is one thing, but going to a gay establishment on my own is another. Let me remind you all of my recently posted tryst to work at a cafe in the Village. I'm just not used to being in a specifically "gay environment" on my own. Should I feel uncomfortable about it all? No I shouldn't - and I realize that something's wrong with me for not being able to relax. The only way to get used to the situation, however, is to experience it. Everyone has to start somewhere.
So my first night in New York, I followed recommendations from a friend (you rock Guy from Chicago) by heading to a seemingly relaxed bar called Nowhere, in the East Village. I won't lie: my nervousness built up little by little that evening, before even heading out on the subway to the bar. My nerves didn't let up either. As my ID was getting checked by the bouncer, I felt really overwhelmed by the number of people crowding the bar, all talking to each other and having a good time. So many people would potentially be looking at me on my own...it just felt to weird. I ended up walking from the door, to the back of the bar and then walking straight back to the front to leave. No coat off or any pause; I just needed to get the hell out of there. My visit lasted about 30 seconds. It was all too much.
Walking back to the subway with my tail between my legs, I felt like failure. I couldn't even do something as little as going to a bar on my own, ordering a drink and hanging out for 10 minutes. A part of me even wanted to cry, as pathetic as that sounds. The feelings didn't let up any time soon. I went back to the hostel and played around with my laptop, brooding over my inadequacy. An attempt was made at writing out my feelings at the time, into a blog post, but I couldn't get anything into coherent sentences. That was a shitty night in New York.
On a short plus side, A quick "Status" update on my Facebook (yes I know, I'm LAME, though I promise I rarely puts updates there) saying "Thomas is really disappointed in himself" got a surprising number of concerned responses from friends, including Mike, Alicia and Kieran, all wondering what was wrong with me. That made me feel better.
The next day, all mistakes from the previous night were forgiven and I went about exploring New York.
Come the next night, I was at an awesome, free Los Campesinos! concert. By comparison to the gay bar from the day before, I felt pretty at ease in this hipster bar (aka "Straight" environment) for drinking and seeing the show. After a few beers of liquid courage, à la PBR, and the end of Los Campesinos!, I decided to take a 2nd crack at the Nowhere gay bar from the night before.
I took the situation much better this time: the gay bar had fewer people, much more relaxed (and boring) this night. I even took off my jacket and had enough time to lose my hostel key! I hung around for about 20 minutes, having a beer. There was no one my age there and I didn't really feel the need or want to talk to anyone, had they even been my age.
I wish I could say I had done that purely on my own, by getting over my own discomfort, but I know the beers I drank from the concert did most of it.
As a hindsight-sidenote: when hanging out there, I did notice that I was mostly just starring around at other people in the bar (well, there was nothing else to stare at..). When I think about it, I was just sizing up the other patrons and I think I was kind of acting "cruisey", not that I really know what that feels like. To be honest, it kind of creeps me out that I was feeling like I was solely checking people out and potentially inflating my own self-esteem by comparing myself to them and pretending I would actually hit on them. Odd, just odd....
For bar adventures on my own, I do have some ways to go. Maybe this isn't the right way to meet people, but at least I'm initiating something different.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Love AdBuster, Hate Jumpin Jammerz
While perusing a catalog I found on the train, I saw this. I am tempted to order one of these, just to beg the question: WHO IN THE RIGHT MIND BUYS AN ADULT VERSION OF A PYJAMA-ONE-PIECE?
I must admit, though, that the top-center model's enthusiasm is quite amazing.
Unrelated to the above, I love Love LOVE this article in AdBusters magazine:
Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization
(Don't be fooled by the fact that I love to joke about desperately trying to hard to become a hipster...which reminds me, I DESPERATELY need to buy some new extra-tight jeans).
I used to be an avid reader of AdBuster, back in highschool and CEGEP, since both of my schools had subscriptions in the library. From time to time, I take the current issue off the shelf in bookstores, and sit down to read it all. I won't pretend that "I get" or agree with all the topics they cover in each issue, but I do really like their alternative style. The articles, the art and the message...all of it is SO GOOD.
I just ordered a 1 year subscription from them. This would be the first magazine I have found worthy to subscribed to.
I must admit, though, that the top-center model's enthusiasm is quite amazing.------
Unrelated to the above, I love Love LOVE this article in AdBusters magazine:
Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization
(Don't be fooled by the fact that I love to joke about desperately trying to hard to become a hipster...which reminds me, I DESPERATELY need to buy some new extra-tight jeans).
I used to be an avid reader of AdBuster, back in highschool and CEGEP, since both of my schools had subscriptions in the library. From time to time, I take the current issue off the shelf in bookstores, and sit down to read it all. I won't pretend that "I get" or agree with all the topics they cover in each issue, but I do really like their alternative style. The articles, the art and the message...all of it is SO GOOD.
I just ordered a 1 year subscription from them. This would be the first magazine I have found worthy to subscribed to.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So really, I didn't do anything
Instead of going over what I did, from hour to hour and day to day, of my week-long trip in Washington DC and New York, how about I just list the good things/fun things I noticed, overheard or learned?
Ya, I think that would be the best idea too.
Don't take anything I say seriously. Some of what I say is just a split-second, baseless observation...kind of like when some DC friends visited me here, in Montreal, and stereotyped the tiniest things to being cultural norms in the city: like everyone eats green apples, because they saw 4 people doing that when they first got off the train.
Okay, well, here we go:
- In DC, people only wear black coat/pants combos. They might have been born with them.
- NY is always cold. Subways, restaurants, lobbies, hostel rooms, cafes...no one uses heating.
- I get overlly excited when I find unintentionally-Canadian themed paraphernalia in the US.
- According to some gay man, when I'm bored and rudely listening to other peoples' conversations: "I have this theory about Black butts and German butts: they're shaped the same and that's why we both like Hugo Boss".
- The Manhattan "express" subway trains can go blow themselves.
- The DC metro makes me feel like I'm in the future.
- A Girl: "Oh, I'm sorry sir we're all out of soup... Ooohh, it looks like I just broke your heart." Yes. Yes she did.
- Calzones are fucking delicious.
- Crazy people live in "fenced-communities" in Georgetown, a.k.a. Alicia's parents.
- I should have never left Brooklyn.
- All Japanese backpackers yell out, in an extremely stereotypical accent: "Oh No! He is Sumo!" when I lift their bags up two flights of stairs, since they apparently have no muscles.
- I am never a threat, according to the US border guards. The Latina woman sitting near me, however, is always a threat to national security.
- Free Los Campesinos! concerts are extra special.
- People who commute 2 hours in the morning and then evening, to get to/from work in New York, are nuts.
- I have no shame about being creepy and taking a [bad] photo of an unsuspecting stranger, whom I think is hot. What got me? He has a an even layer of stuble, he was pretty intense into reading his book, and had eyes that made he look like a lost puppy. So cute.
- Everyone outside of DC hates everyone in DC. Vice-versa as well.
- Large amounts of fun can be had with 2$ kids gloves and a giant, hollow chocolate Santa for 95% off.
Ya, I think that would be the best idea too.
Don't take anything I say seriously. Some of what I say is just a split-second, baseless observation...kind of like when some DC friends visited me here, in Montreal, and stereotyped the tiniest things to being cultural norms in the city: like everyone eats green apples, because they saw 4 people doing that when they first got off the train.
Okay, well, here we go:
- In DC, people only wear black coat/pants combos. They might have been born with them.
- NY is always cold. Subways, restaurants, lobbies, hostel rooms, cafes...no one uses heating.
- I get overlly excited when I find unintentionally-Canadian themed paraphernalia in the US.
- According to some gay man, when I'm bored and rudely listening to other peoples' conversations: "I have this theory about Black butts and German butts: they're shaped the same and that's why we both like Hugo Boss".
- The Manhattan "express" subway trains can go blow themselves.
- The DC metro makes me feel like I'm in the future.
- A Girl: "Oh, I'm sorry sir we're all out of soup... Ooohh, it looks like I just broke your heart." Yes. Yes she did.
- Calzones are fucking delicious.
- Crazy people live in "fenced-communities" in Georgetown, a.k.a. Alicia's parents.
- I should have never left Brooklyn.
- All Japanese backpackers yell out, in an extremely stereotypical accent: "Oh No! He is Sumo!" when I lift their bags up two flights of stairs, since they apparently have no muscles.
- I am never a threat, according to the US border guards. The Latina woman sitting near me, however, is always a threat to national security.
- Free Los Campesinos! concerts are extra special.
- People who commute 2 hours in the morning and then evening, to get to/from work in New York, are nuts.
- I have no shame about being creepy and taking a [bad] photo of an unsuspecting stranger, whom I think is hot. What got me? He has a an even layer of stuble, he was pretty intense into reading his book, and had eyes that made he look like a lost puppy. So cute.
- Everyone outside of DC hates everyone in DC. Vice-versa as well.
- Large amounts of fun can be had with 2$ kids gloves and a giant, hollow chocolate Santa for 95% off.
Catching Up
Alicia: “Thomas, you need gay friends”
Me: “I know... I’m trying. I just haven’t met anyone with whom I can relate beyond the fact that we’re both gay.
Alicia: “I don’t understand. You always get along with so well with my friends that you meet. They all love you. How come you don’t meet awesome people like this?”
Me: “I don’t know! I just don’t! It’s not like I’m not trying!....................This is hard on me, ya know. I try and it doesn't work out. [Ex-roomie] was the closest gay friend I ever had, and in the end we had nothing in common.”
Alicia: “I always thought [ex-roomie] was weird. He wasn’t a good person to know.
Alicia: "Thomas, you deserve to be happy.”
Me: “Heh...ya I do.”
This is why I miss Alicia and this is why I had such a good time hanging out with her in DC last week. We went absolutely nowhere and I saw almost nothing at all while I was there. Ya know what? That's exactly what I had hoped to do too. Pretty much the entire time was us just hanging out in her family's home or in her friend's apartment.
We spoke - about the good things and the bad things, the funny things we've seen and done, along with the things we need to do and hope will come to us over this next year. It felt like we were still the same two people, just as we were last year when she left. Circumstance are now different, but we're still the same and our friendship is just as strong.
It was good.
Me: “I know... I’m trying. I just haven’t met anyone with whom I can relate beyond the fact that we’re both gay.
Alicia: “I don’t understand. You always get along with so well with my friends that you meet. They all love you. How come you don’t meet awesome people like this?”
Me: “I don’t know! I just don’t! It’s not like I’m not trying!....................This is hard on me, ya know. I try and it doesn't work out. [Ex-roomie] was the closest gay friend I ever had, and in the end we had nothing in common.”
Alicia: “I always thought [ex-roomie] was weird. He wasn’t a good person to know.
Alicia: "Thomas, you deserve to be happy.”
Me: “Heh...ya I do.”
This is why I miss Alicia and this is why I had such a good time hanging out with her in DC last week. We went absolutely nowhere and I saw almost nothing at all while I was there. Ya know what? That's exactly what I had hoped to do too. Pretty much the entire time was us just hanging out in her family's home or in her friend's apartment.
We spoke - about the good things and the bad things, the funny things we've seen and done, along with the things we need to do and hope will come to us over this next year. It felt like we were still the same two people, just as we were last year when she left. Circumstance are now different, but we're still the same and our friendship is just as strong.
It was good.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Road Trip Music
By the time that any of you read this tomorrow morning/afternoon, I will be on my 17-hour journey. I've gotten a bunch of work, movies and music ready, in the hope that I won't go stir crazy.
Crossing the border is always the most boring part since they half the train for 3 hours while asking everyone generic questions (which none the less make everyone nervous) to make sure none of us are terrorists. The only excitement is when 1 random person gets taken off the train and put into the backseat of a tinted-window SUV, and driven off to potentially have all of his bodily cavities searched. Hurray!
In the spirit of traveling, road trips (train-road trips count too) and hopefully sitting near guys that I can ogle during my insanely long train ride to DC, we need to hear some road trip music!
The Acorn - Crooked Legs
Arcade Fire - Keep the Car Running
Los Campesinos! - You!Me!Dancing!
(Look away from the video and just listen if you want. Imagine the song represents a train just starting up and then zooming along a track. I think it's a perfect image.)
I might be posting over the next week or I might not. We'll see.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Pass-Out/Feet/DC&NewYork
Soooo...today I kind of almost passed out in yoga. I don't really know why...maybe I hadn't drank enough water since last time. Maybe I'm a little more tired than usual. Perhaps, it's because I had never gone to a session at this particular time and experienced the massive amount of heat that a small room gives off when packed with 40 bodies. Unattractive bodies to boot, unlike at my normal hot yoga sessions.
1 hour into the session, I just stayed lying down but my arms started to shaking a little and I felt like I was gonna lose it. I put my arm up, get the instructor's attention so that she comes over to me.
"I don't feel well. I would like to leave."
Yes, I have to ask to leave since they otherwise don't let you. No, I don't know how they would actually enforce that rule.
"What does it feel like?"
"It feels like the time I had heat stroke in Croatia"
"Okay, you can go."
And so I walked out to the lobby, with my tail between my legs, a feeling like a wuss since I couldn't take the heat (pun!).
On the plus side, I got to overhear a wonderful moment between some random guy, who was definitely missing a few marbles in the head, and the awesome multi-colored dyed hair lady who mans the desk. Have I mentioned I like that lady? Have I mentioned she has hair dyed blue, pink and yellow? Yaaa.....I'll assume you will understand the connection there.
Awesome Girl: "Hi, can I help you?"
Odd Guy:" Wjekjdje fkdsjhds dsas fkdkd flgtoiyt"
Motions to open the door to the yoga session, from which I had left.
Awesome Girl: "No, you need to wait until the session is done in 15 minutes before going in there"
Odd Guy: "Jiuurs aiirr isd booterrrull"
Awesome Girl "uuuhhhhhh.... *glances at me* I'm sorry, I don't understand."
Odd Guy: "Yoouurrr hhaaaiirr iiisstt Beeee-ootifuulllll."
Awesome Girl: *smile* "Um, thank you." *glances at me again*
Old Guy: "Caann I tooouch yooor feeeeetttt?"
Awesome Girl: "No. GET OUT OF HERE NOW."
The guy walks out quickly. Awesome Girl is trying to hold back a laugh. She then looks at me.
Awesome Girl: "I'll be right back..I..just need to go in here."
And she walks into the women's change room. Then I hear her almost choke to death with laughing...although I'm pretty sure there might have been a little (a lot) of disgust mixed in there.
Ah, such a wonderfully random.
In unrelated news, I'm heading to Washington DC, New York and...apparently Baltimore, since Alicia wants to drive there. I didn't think the times could work out, but all the trains seem to be going in sync, so I'll be leaving Montreal Saturday and travelling all day, just so that I can be in DC by 2am. As it should be obvious, I'm gonna hang out with Alicia for 3 days, and then take the train to New York and stay there for 2 night on my own, before coming back to good ol' Canadia. I hope to smell like real Americana when I return: hotdogs and green 1 dollar bills ever-so-lightly doused in cocaine.
While in New York I'll be working in cafes, but also checking out some stuff...and by stuff, I mean I have no idea where to go or what to see. I don't have any friends there - or at least not anymore. One sure thing though: I will not see a Broadway Show, nor will I visit Time Square nor will I go to the Statue of Liberty. I think I'll want to check out the Gay Village...also called...Greenwich Village (?).
Side Note:I am notoriously bad at finding "gay areas" in cities I visit, so hopefully I'll find it in NY. This past summer, when I was in Vienna, I didn't even notice that my hostel was directly next to a gay nightclub, nor did I notice any guy-guy/women-women making out, which everyone else in the hostel did see. I even spent one day trying to look for the gay village there. I EVEN USED THE INTERNET AND I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING.
I think I'll be good for "finding the gays" this time. I am almost sure there might be 1 or 2 gay people in the above boxed-in area, hahaha. It can't be that hard to pin-point 'em, right?.......RIGHT?
If you want any advice of what to see/where to go in New York, I would LOVE your advice.
1 hour into the session, I just stayed lying down but my arms started to shaking a little and I felt like I was gonna lose it. I put my arm up, get the instructor's attention so that she comes over to me.
"I don't feel well. I would like to leave."
Yes, I have to ask to leave since they otherwise don't let you. No, I don't know how they would actually enforce that rule.
"What does it feel like?"
"It feels like the time I had heat stroke in Croatia"
"Okay, you can go."
And so I walked out to the lobby, with my tail between my legs, a feeling like a wuss since I couldn't take the heat (pun!).
On the plus side, I got to overhear a wonderful moment between some random guy, who was definitely missing a few marbles in the head, and the awesome multi-colored dyed hair lady who mans the desk. Have I mentioned I like that lady? Have I mentioned she has hair dyed blue, pink and yellow? Yaaa.....I'll assume you will understand the connection there.
Awesome Girl: "Hi, can I help you?"
Odd Guy:" Wjekjdje fkdsjhds dsas fkdkd flgtoiyt"
Motions to open the door to the yoga session, from which I had left.
Awesome Girl: "No, you need to wait until the session is done in 15 minutes before going in there"
Odd Guy: "Jiuurs aiirr isd booterrrull"
Awesome Girl "uuuhhhhhh.... *glances at me* I'm sorry, I don't understand."
Odd Guy: "Yoouurrr hhaaaiirr iiisstt Beeee-ootifuulllll."
Awesome Girl: *smile* "Um, thank you." *glances at me again*
Old Guy: "Caann I tooouch yooor feeeeetttt?"
Awesome Girl: "No. GET OUT OF HERE NOW."
The guy walks out quickly. Awesome Girl is trying to hold back a laugh. She then looks at me.
Awesome Girl: "I'll be right back..I..just need to go in here."
And she walks into the women's change room. Then I hear her almost choke to death with laughing...although I'm pretty sure there might have been a little (a lot) of disgust mixed in there.
Ah, such a wonderfully random.
--------
In unrelated news, I'm heading to Washington DC, New York and...apparently Baltimore, since Alicia wants to drive there. I didn't think the times could work out, but all the trains seem to be going in sync, so I'll be leaving Montreal Saturday and travelling all day, just so that I can be in DC by 2am. As it should be obvious, I'm gonna hang out with Alicia for 3 days, and then take the train to New York and stay there for 2 night on my own, before coming back to good ol' Canadia. I hope to smell like real Americana when I return: hotdogs and green 1 dollar bills ever-so-lightly doused in cocaine.
While in New York I'll be working in cafes, but also checking out some stuff...and by stuff, I mean I have no idea where to go or what to see. I don't have any friends there - or at least not anymore. One sure thing though: I will not see a Broadway Show, nor will I visit Time Square nor will I go to the Statue of Liberty. I think I'll want to check out the Gay Village...also called...Greenwich Village (?).
Side Note:I am notoriously bad at finding "gay areas" in cities I visit, so hopefully I'll find it in NY. This past summer, when I was in Vienna, I didn't even notice that my hostel was directly next to a gay nightclub, nor did I notice any guy-guy/women-women making out, which everyone else in the hostel did see. I even spent one day trying to look for the gay village there. I EVEN USED THE INTERNET AND I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING.
I think I'll be good for "finding the gays" this time. I am almost sure there might be 1 or 2 gay people in the above boxed-in area, hahaha. It can't be that hard to pin-point 'em, right?.......RIGHT?
If you want any advice of what to see/where to go in New York, I would LOVE your advice.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
In my Head
I was working in a cafe in the Gay Village today - it has been a while since I've ventured into the Village.
This occasion was a steady reminder that when I'm not surrounded friends in the Village, I get very self-conscious and uncomfortable. I get the constant impression that people are checking me and each other out, creating some over-sexualized atmosphere. I become over worried about looking around and making eye contact with others, because it could be misinterpreted as me hitting on them or they would look at me with disgust.
Uh, it's annoying because I know this is all in my head. If I'm with friends, that entire paranoid feeling disappears completely. My friends become a figurative barrier against peoples' wandering eyes and judgement, or more like they stop my mind from creating these false impressions. In "straight" cafes, bars or any other public setting, I feel perfectly at ease. It's only when I'm in a "gay" identified environment.
I suppose my psyche does use my straight friends as a shield or reassurance to my self-esteem. They're familiar, there's nothing sexual between any of us, it's comfortable and it's a sure thing. But with gay people, there's potentially ways of socializing I'm not used to, mockery or rejection and just generally unfamiliar stuff.
An hour into my stay at the cafe, I got much more into the music I was blaring through my earphones and became relaxed.
Am I the only person who finds it so easy to be gay around straight people and finds it so hard to be gay around other gay people?
This occasion was a steady reminder that when I'm not surrounded friends in the Village, I get very self-conscious and uncomfortable. I get the constant impression that people are checking me and each other out, creating some over-sexualized atmosphere. I become over worried about looking around and making eye contact with others, because it could be misinterpreted as me hitting on them or they would look at me with disgust.
Uh, it's annoying because I know this is all in my head. If I'm with friends, that entire paranoid feeling disappears completely. My friends become a figurative barrier against peoples' wandering eyes and judgement, or more like they stop my mind from creating these false impressions. In "straight" cafes, bars or any other public setting, I feel perfectly at ease. It's only when I'm in a "gay" identified environment.
I suppose my psyche does use my straight friends as a shield or reassurance to my self-esteem. They're familiar, there's nothing sexual between any of us, it's comfortable and it's a sure thing. But with gay people, there's potentially ways of socializing I'm not used to, mockery or rejection and just generally unfamiliar stuff.
An hour into my stay at the cafe, I got much more into the music I was blaring through my earphones and became relaxed.
Am I the only person who finds it so easy to be gay around straight people and finds it so hard to be gay around other gay people?
YEY, 100!
YEY 100 POSTS in the WindsThatYouRise Blog
If anyone feels like shamelessly promoting my blog for me, please do.[Yes, I realize my 100th post isn't a "real" post at all. Fuck you. :) ]
Monday, January 5, 2009
Wow, I missed that.
Today, I feel good. It's like everything is in my control and good things are coming. Friends and fun are around the corner and I don't feel like anyone could say No to any proposition I give them.
Yes, I very much like feeling this way.
There are two reasons for this mood:
One half is simply because I'm approaching some sort of naturally happy peak. Like everyone, some weeks are better and other weeks are worse. This is one of the better ones.
The other half is due to a conversation I overheard between my parents. From a separate room, I listened to them talking about my old gardienne, Gaby. She was my babysitter & cleaning lady that my family employed before I was born and up until I was 18. Obviously, as I got older she didn't look after me or my brothers, but instead she cleaned the house and prepared evening dinner for all of us.
Well, my Mom and Dad were talking to each other about how Gaby's been doing. She doesn't work anymore but we do keep in touch with her and take her out to dinner, since she was a very close part of the family for a long time. From her point of view, my brothers and I are like sons number 4, 5 and 6 to her, after her sons Joel, Yves and Yoland.
The important part of the conversation went like this:
Dad: Is Yves still with Serge?
Mom: I really don't know...
Dad: Hmm, I liked him...
From my point of view, I was wondering..."What? Yves was with Serge?....As in dating? Two guys dating? Yves is gay?". Then it all clicked.
When I was around the age range of 8-10 years old, Gaby once brought me out to visit Yves's country home for the weekend. I think I was just too young and, honestly, stupid to make the connection. Yves lived with a cool guy named Serge. Yves and Serge, two guys in their late 20s, slept in the same bed, in a giant house they had bought together and spent their evenings repairing. I mean...Wow! I met my first gay couple when I was a little kid and I didn't even realize it!
(Useless learning: Yves is actually a normal French Canadian name. In English, the pronunciation would be Eve. Yes, it sounds like a girl's name, but in French it's a guy's name. Serge would be pronounced Surge. So Eve and Surge).
What's more surprising to me is that my Dad and Mom spoke kind of positively about them and therefore about gay people. Instead of random, quasi-rude remarks they said something directly nice. For the eyes of this closeted kid, this is pretty awesome. There's hope yet! That's the other half of this reason for the great mood of mine!
Adding onto the Yves & Serge recollection: from what I remember they were pretty damn hot back then. I mean, if they were still the same age and looked the same right now, I would probably want to bang one or both of them. Who cares if we're quasi-brothers to Gaby! (Haha, ok, no I wouldn't do that...unless she were to never find out, hehe....)
To end this off, the photo makes me think of them. Whether they're together or not anymore, I hope they're happy.
Yes, I very much like feeling this way.
There are two reasons for this mood:
One half is simply because I'm approaching some sort of naturally happy peak. Like everyone, some weeks are better and other weeks are worse. This is one of the better ones.
The other half is due to a conversation I overheard between my parents. From a separate room, I listened to them talking about my old gardienne, Gaby. She was my babysitter & cleaning lady that my family employed before I was born and up until I was 18. Obviously, as I got older she didn't look after me or my brothers, but instead she cleaned the house and prepared evening dinner for all of us.
Well, my Mom and Dad were talking to each other about how Gaby's been doing. She doesn't work anymore but we do keep in touch with her and take her out to dinner, since she was a very close part of the family for a long time. From her point of view, my brothers and I are like sons number 4, 5 and 6 to her, after her sons Joel, Yves and Yoland.
The important part of the conversation went like this:
Dad: Is Yves still with Serge?
Mom: I really don't know...
Dad: Hmm, I liked him...
From my point of view, I was wondering..."What? Yves was with Serge?....As in dating? Two guys dating? Yves is gay?". Then it all clicked.
When I was around the age range of 8-10 years old, Gaby once brought me out to visit Yves's country home for the weekend. I think I was just too young and, honestly, stupid to make the connection. Yves lived with a cool guy named Serge. Yves and Serge, two guys in their late 20s, slept in the same bed, in a giant house they had bought together and spent their evenings repairing. I mean...Wow! I met my first gay couple when I was a little kid and I didn't even realize it!
(Useless learning: Yves is actually a normal French Canadian name. In English, the pronunciation would be Eve. Yes, it sounds like a girl's name, but in French it's a guy's name. Serge would be pronounced Surge. So Eve and Surge).
What's more surprising to me is that my Dad and Mom spoke kind of positively about them and therefore about gay people. Instead of random, quasi-rude remarks they said something directly nice. For the eyes of this closeted kid, this is pretty awesome. There's hope yet! That's the other half of this reason for the great mood of mine!
Adding onto the Yves & Serge recollection: from what I remember they were pretty damn hot back then. I mean, if they were still the same age and looked the same right now, I would probably want to bang one or both of them. Who cares if we're quasi-brothers to Gaby! (Haha, ok, no I wouldn't do that...unless she were to never find out, hehe....)
To end this off, the photo makes me think of them. Whether they're together or not anymore, I hope they're happy.
Goodbye Gift of the Gods?
As of late, I'm considering giving up drinking any form of alcohol for a month. With all the going-out and partying I've done this holiday season, I feel like it would be a nice change and a good measure of my will, to see if I could do without all that for a bit.
Let me first say that this is in no way related to New Years resolutions, because I think they're stupid. Why choose to change something January 1rst, just because the calendar is done with December. It's only coincidence that I've been thinking about this, at the same time that everyone seems to be making their lame-ass resolutions that will fail in 3 weeks.
Now, to get back on course.
When I drink, I go all-out. I don't ever have 1 beer or a glass of wine with meals. Nope, I much prefer milk or water. I'm the social drinker, that goes out with friends to bars and inevitably ends up sharing at least a pitcher or 3 with others. I consume enough so that I'm always at least buzzed when I'm back home. Big friend gatherings have me downing a lot more drinks, since the bottles flow freely between all of us. When that happens, my mouth does become a little loose. At that stage, I tend just to say whatever I feel like, whether it's truth, lies or something just to push another person's buttons. My friends all know this and they love me for my douche-ness, but I feel like it has gotten to be a bit much.
This short-term prohibition isn't a new idea either. I've had too many days of waking up, knowing that my mind's a bit fried and unfocused. Post-booze days are just complete wastes for me. I end up sitting at the computer or TV, not really wanting to do anything other than veg out. I've thought for at least a month about going dry. I just haven't made the next step.
My friends have all heard the idea of mine and the comments aren't favorable. The majority immediately laugh at the notion of giving up drinking for a month. "I've heard so many friends say that...", "ya right, who does that" and "No, you can't do that" are the popular replies. Xav thinks it would be an interesting idea, since he has seen the jackass that beer releases in me. Liz told me she was excited because she was thinking about doing the same thing.
2 years ago: here I am in my glory - drunkenly thrashing around on the ground
In deciding whether to go ahead with the idea, I've hit a practical snag: I seem to be trying to choose a month that will least effect my partying. Obviously, there's a dysfunction in my plan if potential future drinking is getting in the way of me giving up drinking. A good friend of mine has already told me that I can't start my month of sobriety before her birthday in mid-January. On the off-chance that I do end up seeing Alicia, I will want to go out drinking with her.
Well why can't you just have fun with the, without drinking?, might you ask. Honestly? It's not as fun. Try to convince yourself or anything otherwise, but drinking loosens everyone up, makes shit get wild and creates a great ass time. That's why.
So, I need to do some more thinking and weighing my options. Bite the bullet and go cold turkey now, and simply take the lost, drunken shenanigan-opportunities in stride? Or just admit I could never do it and there's no point? Hmm.
...or just slightly lessen my drinking, thereby consuming in moderation. Of course that shit is too practical, intelligent and simple for me...
Let me first say that this is in no way related to New Years resolutions, because I think they're stupid. Why choose to change something January 1rst, just because the calendar is done with December. It's only coincidence that I've been thinking about this, at the same time that everyone seems to be making their lame-ass resolutions that will fail in 3 weeks.
Now, to get back on course.
When I drink, I go all-out. I don't ever have 1 beer or a glass of wine with meals. Nope, I much prefer milk or water. I'm the social drinker, that goes out with friends to bars and inevitably ends up sharing at least a pitcher or 3 with others. I consume enough so that I'm always at least buzzed when I'm back home. Big friend gatherings have me downing a lot more drinks, since the bottles flow freely between all of us. When that happens, my mouth does become a little loose. At that stage, I tend just to say whatever I feel like, whether it's truth, lies or something just to push another person's buttons. My friends all know this and they love me for my douche-ness, but I feel like it has gotten to be a bit much.
This short-term prohibition isn't a new idea either. I've had too many days of waking up, knowing that my mind's a bit fried and unfocused. Post-booze days are just complete wastes for me. I end up sitting at the computer or TV, not really wanting to do anything other than veg out. I've thought for at least a month about going dry. I just haven't made the next step.
My friends have all heard the idea of mine and the comments aren't favorable. The majority immediately laugh at the notion of giving up drinking for a month. "I've heard so many friends say that...", "ya right, who does that" and "No, you can't do that" are the popular replies. Xav thinks it would be an interesting idea, since he has seen the jackass that beer releases in me. Liz told me she was excited because she was thinking about doing the same thing.
2 years ago: here I am in my glory - drunkenly thrashing around on the groundIn deciding whether to go ahead with the idea, I've hit a practical snag: I seem to be trying to choose a month that will least effect my partying. Obviously, there's a dysfunction in my plan if potential future drinking is getting in the way of me giving up drinking. A good friend of mine has already told me that I can't start my month of sobriety before her birthday in mid-January. On the off-chance that I do end up seeing Alicia, I will want to go out drinking with her.
Well why can't you just have fun with the, without drinking?, might you ask. Honestly? It's not as fun. Try to convince yourself or anything otherwise, but drinking loosens everyone up, makes shit get wild and creates a great ass time. That's why.
So, I need to do some more thinking and weighing my options. Bite the bullet and go cold turkey now, and simply take the lost, drunken shenanigan-opportunities in stride? Or just admit I could never do it and there's no point? Hmm.
...or just slightly lessen my drinking, thereby consuming in moderation. Of course that shit is too practical, intelligent and simple for me...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Holiday Wrap Up
And so my first Christmas and New Years, living back with my parents has come and gone. I have not gone crazy from being around them all the time and no family members have been mortally wounded by me...yet.
Haha, no, this holiday season went really well. The constant family and friend affairs have made 1.5 weeks feel like 1 month. My two brothers made their way back to the family house and stayed over for a few days each. It was nice to see them, although I'll admit that I was a little awkward since I have no points from which to relate to them. My middle-brother made that clear when he called me an insensitive dickface, which is only a half-truth: I'm only insensitive sometimes, towards mostly family members... Even so, I was genuinely disappointed that we didn't get a chance to play our traditional game of Monopoly or Risk, since both my brothers were busy with their girlfriends, who are also pretty awesome.
I love seeing my Grandmother - she's always so cute and nice to talk to. She's 93, with a mind as sharp as a laser and a tongue to match. I wish my Mom wouldn't treat her like a little child though - she's is very capable on her own. I kind of think that the family friends that we traditionally visit/visits us during the holidays are actually only really want to see Grandma, which is fine with me because I HATE having to fake mild interest in them.
We all got some really cool and thoughtful gifts from one-another this year. I may have my problems with my family, but I always have fun putting effort into my presents because I really like finding something that they'll appreciate. One exception to this present rule is my Dad: he doesn't care what we get him, nor does he care about what he gives. Beyond work, golf and curling he doesn't care about much - which is fine all year long - but at Christmas I always feel sad watching my Mom's disappointment in the presents he gets her: automatic coffee maker? She doesn't drink coffee...
Moving away from that stuff, I think the best gift I gave was a bunch of picture frames to my middle-brother (as he had asked for). I decided to help him in advance with the picture-insertion prep work though. The whole family seemed to be really entertained with the results of my effort: who wouldn't want 8 picture frames of Yours-truly, with different creepy/awesome expressions, looking at them every single day?
I realize seeing my eyes is key to each facial expression...so use your imagination
My original plan to visit Alicia in Washington DC seems destined to for failure. I forgot about my yearly, unchangeable hospital appointment at the end of next week. It's part of the long term cancer observations that I, and all kids treated for leukemia when they were younger, go through. The chance of recurrence in someone like me isn't any different from the average person in the population, but this relates more to me being a participant in a bunch of scientific studies about the long term effects or the chemicals they used on me. Either way, I can't skip that date so this doesn't give me time to see Alicia before she zooms back to Australia in mid-January.
My older-brother says I should take advantage of him living in Austin, Texas, and come visit him in the next two months. As he's said, with my work I don't have an excuse not to visit the area. I've checked flight prices: if I go next week it costs 400$ CAN, but if I go in 6 months it'll cost me 650$...which makes absolutely no sense. But either way, this gives me a reason to visit that area and attempt to socialize on your family-level with my brother. So maybe I will take him up on the offer.
Living under the same roof as my parents has had a patience-learning curve thus far. If I'm tired or annoyed, I need to hide away from them otherwise I'm liable to explode. With my Mom it's because of all the random shit she's always asking me to do for her. These days, it seems that she just worries about the most insignificant things, since she's retired and has nothing else to do. It's always little comments about "oh no, it's going to snow then it will get icy and then I might slip" or "I've been watching you do some work and I have a little suggestion..." or "can you just [drop what you're doing] and help me [for the next 2 hours]...". Maybe I'm a terrible son, but I just want to flip her the bird, as my Grandmother would say when referring to other Toronto drivers (god, Grandma rocks!). With my Dad, it's his constant ability to be a slob. He eats everything, as quickly as possible, and never cleans up after himself. When my Mom gets home with food, it's as if it's his job to sit in the kitchen and proceeds to eat everything that contains any form of sugar. He then naps, watches TV and repeats. Ugghh, I hope I don't end up like him. Oh, and if I have to hear either of my parents self-congratulate themselves on another meal they've made, that actually tastes like shit to me, I will flip the dinner table over. Clearly, I need to do more of the cooking around here.
I realize this post is mostly me just bitching. I'm sorry, this doesn't create an accurate portrayal. My family is actually pretty awesome and I'm a whinny little dick. It's just hard seeing all these little things, repeat themselves over and over again without change. Each little time is a mild annoyance, but it adds up. So, for now just suspend your disbelief on whether my Dad is inhuman or whether my Mom needs to get a life or that this was a terrible holiday period - none of those are true.
Of course, please feel free to think I'm a terrible person and to wish that my Grandma was in fact your Grandma.
Haha, no, this holiday season went really well. The constant family and friend affairs have made 1.5 weeks feel like 1 month. My two brothers made their way back to the family house and stayed over for a few days each. It was nice to see them, although I'll admit that I was a little awkward since I have no points from which to relate to them. My middle-brother made that clear when he called me an insensitive dickface, which is only a half-truth: I'm only insensitive sometimes, towards mostly family members... Even so, I was genuinely disappointed that we didn't get a chance to play our traditional game of Monopoly or Risk, since both my brothers were busy with their girlfriends, who are also pretty awesome.
I love seeing my Grandmother - she's always so cute and nice to talk to. She's 93, with a mind as sharp as a laser and a tongue to match. I wish my Mom wouldn't treat her like a little child though - she's is very capable on her own. I kind of think that the family friends that we traditionally visit/visits us during the holidays are actually only really want to see Grandma, which is fine with me because I HATE having to fake mild interest in them.
We all got some really cool and thoughtful gifts from one-another this year. I may have my problems with my family, but I always have fun putting effort into my presents because I really like finding something that they'll appreciate. One exception to this present rule is my Dad: he doesn't care what we get him, nor does he care about what he gives. Beyond work, golf and curling he doesn't care about much - which is fine all year long - but at Christmas I always feel sad watching my Mom's disappointment in the presents he gets her: automatic coffee maker? She doesn't drink coffee...
Moving away from that stuff, I think the best gift I gave was a bunch of picture frames to my middle-brother (as he had asked for). I decided to help him in advance with the picture-insertion prep work though. The whole family seemed to be really entertained with the results of my effort: who wouldn't want 8 picture frames of Yours-truly, with different creepy/awesome expressions, looking at them every single day?
I realize seeing my eyes is key to each facial expression...so use your imaginationMy original plan to visit Alicia in Washington DC seems destined to for failure. I forgot about my yearly, unchangeable hospital appointment at the end of next week. It's part of the long term cancer observations that I, and all kids treated for leukemia when they were younger, go through. The chance of recurrence in someone like me isn't any different from the average person in the population, but this relates more to me being a participant in a bunch of scientific studies about the long term effects or the chemicals they used on me. Either way, I can't skip that date so this doesn't give me time to see Alicia before she zooms back to Australia in mid-January.
My older-brother says I should take advantage of him living in Austin, Texas, and come visit him in the next two months. As he's said, with my work I don't have an excuse not to visit the area. I've checked flight prices: if I go next week it costs 400$ CAN, but if I go in 6 months it'll cost me 650$...which makes absolutely no sense. But either way, this gives me a reason to visit that area and attempt to socialize on your family-level with my brother. So maybe I will take him up on the offer.
Living under the same roof as my parents has had a patience-learning curve thus far. If I'm tired or annoyed, I need to hide away from them otherwise I'm liable to explode. With my Mom it's because of all the random shit she's always asking me to do for her. These days, it seems that she just worries about the most insignificant things, since she's retired and has nothing else to do. It's always little comments about "oh no, it's going to snow then it will get icy and then I might slip" or "I've been watching you do some work and I have a little suggestion..." or "can you just [drop what you're doing] and help me [for the next 2 hours]...". Maybe I'm a terrible son, but I just want to flip her the bird, as my Grandmother would say when referring to other Toronto drivers (god, Grandma rocks!). With my Dad, it's his constant ability to be a slob. He eats everything, as quickly as possible, and never cleans up after himself. When my Mom gets home with food, it's as if it's his job to sit in the kitchen and proceeds to eat everything that contains any form of sugar. He then naps, watches TV and repeats. Ugghh, I hope I don't end up like him. Oh, and if I have to hear either of my parents self-congratulate themselves on another meal they've made, that actually tastes like shit to me, I will flip the dinner table over. Clearly, I need to do more of the cooking around here.
I realize this post is mostly me just bitching. I'm sorry, this doesn't create an accurate portrayal. My family is actually pretty awesome and I'm a whinny little dick. It's just hard seeing all these little things, repeat themselves over and over again without change. Each little time is a mild annoyance, but it adds up. So, for now just suspend your disbelief on whether my Dad is inhuman or whether my Mom needs to get a life or that this was a terrible holiday period - none of those are true.
Of course, please feel free to think I'm a terrible person and to wish that my Grandma was in fact your Grandma.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Years 2009
Me: Ya, he's a really cool guy and obviously we all get along since he invited us to his New Years party. Although, when I think about it I don't actually know anything about him.
Xav: I heard a lot of the people who'll be there tonight are from his old frat and are all players.
Me: He was in a frat?
Xav: Ya. Weird, eh?
Me: So that means tonight will probably be really loud, with annoying people screaming "YA, LET'S LIVE OUT OUR OLD FRAT DAYS! WOOO! DRINK SOME BEERS!".... Or maybe they'll be just like frat guys in pornos. "Hey guys, let's live out our old frat days... oh ya man, I love it when you do that to me..." *kissing/sucking noises* "ooohh, yaaa"
Xav, laughing: Urgghhhh, you wish...
------
New Years turned out to be a really fun party, with Xav, Mike, Mike's GF, Tim, Liz and others who's names don't need to be said. The host had lots of ex-frat friends, making the party a bit of a sausagefest (High five for me!). Normally I'd find these type of people irritating, but I was in a great mood yesterday night so I didn't negatively stereotype anyone and took everything with a grain of salt. I even managed to, miraculously, pace my drinking so that I wasn't a drunken mess by 2am.
Most of the guests being frat guys, they were big into homoerotic joking, involving lots of body contact and humping (High five for me! x 2):
Frat Guy1: I WANT TO KISS MAN.
Frat Guy2: OH BABY, DO IT RIGHT NOW. I WANT YOU SO BAD ON ME.
The two guys hug, rub each other's asses and start humping.
Me, watching and thinking: DO IT! DO IT! MAKEOUT! MAKEOUT!, DO IT! MAKEOUT!
I even joined in on it a bit:
Frat Guy3: ARE YOU TRYING TO TOUCH ME ASS?
Me: I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD BUT YOU'RE TOO FAR AWAY.
Everyone laughs. Liz and Mike's girlfriend look at me with raised eyebrows. I just smile.
There was one really good looking guy there. Apparently, he had wanted my Europe travel-buddy and I to visit him in Sweden last year, but it was too out of the way for us. I would have definitely loved to visit him, knowing his personality and how he looks now. He was really friendly and I had my eye on him a lot that night. He surprisingly closely resembles MuchMusic's (Canada's equivalent to MTV) Devon Soltendieck.
Mike's girlfriend noticed where my eyes were looking pretty often, so she felt the need to come over and and tell me that opposite to how all the guys are acting tonight, the Devon Soltendieck look-alike is really straight and has a girlfriend. Oh well, too bad. I had a good time joking around with him, as he took random shit from around the house and stuck it in his pants pretending he had a massive erection.
Come 5:30am, we were all dead and most people left. My posse of friends stuck around and all fell asleep in the living room. I was awake again by 6:30am. I was still drunk, but all I wanted to do was get home and enjoy my rapidly arriving hangover at home. I got dressed up and went out into the pre-dawn morning.
It's a weird feeling, being awake at 6:30am, outside on New Years day. No one's awake. No cars to be seen. Being far out in a West-island suburb (Fun/Useless fact: Montreal is an island), there are only small buildings and I'm starring right out onto the frozen river. I think that was the first time I have even been awake that early in the last year, before the sun has risen. I decided to snap a few pictures.
I waited out in the cold, for the infrequent bus that could start my 1.5 hour journey home.
I've slept the day away and now my hangover-headache is finally gone, with the help of some 1-handed fun. Masturbating is the greatest headache cure.
Xav: I heard a lot of the people who'll be there tonight are from his old frat and are all players.
Me: He was in a frat?
Xav: Ya. Weird, eh?
Me: So that means tonight will probably be really loud, with annoying people screaming "YA, LET'S LIVE OUT OUR OLD FRAT DAYS! WOOO! DRINK SOME BEERS!".... Or maybe they'll be just like frat guys in pornos. "Hey guys, let's live out our old frat days... oh ya man, I love it when you do that to me..." *kissing/sucking noises* "ooohh, yaaa"
Xav, laughing: Urgghhhh, you wish...
------
New Years turned out to be a really fun party, with Xav, Mike, Mike's GF, Tim, Liz and others who's names don't need to be said. The host had lots of ex-frat friends, making the party a bit of a sausagefest (High five for me!). Normally I'd find these type of people irritating, but I was in a great mood yesterday night so I didn't negatively stereotype anyone and took everything with a grain of salt. I even managed to, miraculously, pace my drinking so that I wasn't a drunken mess by 2am.
Most of the guests being frat guys, they were big into homoerotic joking, involving lots of body contact and humping (High five for me! x 2):
Frat Guy1: I WANT TO KISS MAN.
Frat Guy2: OH BABY, DO IT RIGHT NOW. I WANT YOU SO BAD ON ME.
The two guys hug, rub each other's asses and start humping.
Me, watching and thinking: DO IT! DO IT! MAKEOUT! MAKEOUT!, DO IT! MAKEOUT!
I even joined in on it a bit:
Frat Guy3: ARE YOU TRYING TO TOUCH ME ASS?
Me: I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD BUT YOU'RE TOO FAR AWAY.
Everyone laughs. Liz and Mike's girlfriend look at me with raised eyebrows. I just smile.
There was one really good looking guy there. Apparently, he had wanted my Europe travel-buddy and I to visit him in Sweden last year, but it was too out of the way for us. I would have definitely loved to visit him, knowing his personality and how he looks now. He was really friendly and I had my eye on him a lot that night. He surprisingly closely resembles MuchMusic's (Canada's equivalent to MTV) Devon Soltendieck.
Mike's girlfriend noticed where my eyes were looking pretty often, so she felt the need to come over and and tell me that opposite to how all the guys are acting tonight, the Devon Soltendieck look-alike is really straight and has a girlfriend. Oh well, too bad. I had a good time joking around with him, as he took random shit from around the house and stuck it in his pants pretending he had a massive erection.
Come 5:30am, we were all dead and most people left. My posse of friends stuck around and all fell asleep in the living room. I was awake again by 6:30am. I was still drunk, but all I wanted to do was get home and enjoy my rapidly arriving hangover at home. I got dressed up and went out into the pre-dawn morning.
It's a weird feeling, being awake at 6:30am, outside on New Years day. No one's awake. No cars to be seen. Being far out in a West-island suburb (Fun/Useless fact: Montreal is an island), there are only small buildings and I'm starring right out onto the frozen river. I think that was the first time I have even been awake that early in the last year, before the sun has risen. I decided to snap a few pictures.
I waited out in the cold, for the infrequent bus that could start my 1.5 hour journey home.
I've slept the day away and now my hangover-headache is finally gone, with the help of some 1-handed fun. Masturbating is the greatest headache cure.
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