Rant

[RANT]

I need to keep busy.
I need to stay away from the internet.
I need to spend less time alone at my family's home.
I need to stop reading books by Brett Easton Ellis.
I need to spend more time with my friends.
I need to visit my brother in Texas.
I need to accept that my Mom loves having me around the house.
I need to tell-off Kieran and Liz when they dismiss the worries I share with them.
I need to run more.
I need to let go of the things I cannot change immediately.

Okay, that's a lot of things to explain. Reiteration of my blog #3306: I'm nuts. Some of these thoughts or insights have become clear to me a month ago and others have become clear in the last few days. Let's start from the top of the list.

If I have too much time on my hands and not enough to do, I end up doing three things: brooding over past events/conversations in my mind, watching useless TV or going on the internet.

I have a bad habit of falling into a routine of thinking endlessly about past things that "didn't go in my favor". It becomes a circular thought and just replays over and over again, making me feel worse about the outcome. The more I think negatively like that, the less I want to actually go and do something substantial.

The TV just makes me lazy and unfocused. Don't watch any show in particular but I get used to sitting and doing nothing...

With the internet, I end up just reading lots of blogs (that I normally don't even like) or watching porn. Either way, I'm just pointlessly reading or watching other people live out their love or sex lives, which then reminds me of what I currently don't have. This isn't healthy to get lost in negatively or live vicariously through others, so I need to get away from this. I'm not seeing any guy? - oh well, boohoo, time to get over myself. It'll happen when it happens.

Leaving the house more often is conductive to me doing something useful with my time and staying away from the internet (or at least the negative parts of it). No more surfing the net, with no real aim or interest. I should work away from home, because at home I become unfocused and then my minds wanders to *take a wild guess now* BAM! Negative stuff and porn.

Brett Easton Ellis writes some damn good books, that focus on mostly youth just wasting away without any ability to connect to others or even themselves. They do nothing, regret doing nothing but see no alternative.

Guess what I'm afraid of? There ya go: all of that. I love the two books of his I have read (Less Than Zero is terrifyingly awesome) and I'm about to finish The Rules of Attraction, but they just get my angry. Does that even make sense? I love and hate them? I mean, I described the characters to Liz once and she replied "Wow, that sounds like you." That freaked the shit out of me.

Hanging out with my friends gives me a good grip on reality and stops my mind from just brooding over things that can no longer be changed. I can tell them things and they make me relaxed. Living at home with my parents has made it difficult to see them, so I haven't been "grounded" as much as I need to be. I need my friends.

I like traveling. While away in NY and DC (and Europe last summer), I didn't over-think or brood. I was calm. Everything was clear. Staying at home for too long just gets to me. I should visit my oldest brother in Texas. I need to make an effort to reconnect with him. I also think it would be a good point to tell him I'm gay. I feel confident and relaxed about the idea of telling him.

My Mom loves talking to me when I'm at home. Her being retired, I bring variety and conversation to her potentially monotonous world. As you know, I work from home so she gets to see me a lot. As a consequence, she has begun adopting my personality and sayings a bit. The other day, she used my classic over-dramaticism and dark humour:

"Great, if that idiot calls here one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the face!"

or

Me: "OK, I'm going out. If I don't come back, call the police."

Her: "Naw, I'm not calling the police. I'm the one who arranged the hit anyway. I just want your laptop."

It's endearing. Really, it is. There's no hiding it - I like it. Although I may want to run away from the house all the time, wanting to get away from my parents is only SOMETIMES the reason. That is a good thing.

When I share some of my worries, such as parts of the above stuff, Liz and Kieran seem to have developed similar reactions: they pretend it's not a problem and dismiss it. "Naw, you're fine", combined with them changing the subject immediately.
Now, that shit is not gonna fly. I don't dominate conversations with my problems nor do I mention the particular topics often. If they don't care fine - then I'm not going to tell them these things. But I am definitely not going to be caring when they start talking about their problems. I'm also not going to hold this in: "Hey Liz/Kieran, stop being a dick by being rude to me."

As of late it's been pretty cold, so I haven't been able to go running much. Pent up energy = a mind that's too active = too much over thinking = not much sleep. I think I'll join a gym. A treadmill would do some good. I could also try using the weights, since the ones I own definitely aren't the greatest.

The most important of all: it's time to let go of this negative self-talk. I can't change the past, I can only do things now so I don't need anymore of this "busy brain" making me freak out about so much useless shit. Brett Easton Ellis? Good writer but I am definitely no Clay from Less than Zero, so let's stop that. Time to get things done. Find a plane ticket. Wake up earlier to get out of the house for some cafe-work. Workout more. Get a driver's license for a road trip this summer. Initiate that mini-business idea.

[/RANT]

It always feels good to write things down.