A Letter I Will Not Send

I'm trying ****, I really am.

I don't talk just to fill the gaps and silence. I like to entertain myself and others - I do it for fun. Don't just give me single word replies, insinuating you don't care. I know you're capable of playing along in this fantastical world I make up on the spot. I understand that "I think I just saw that man feeding a Pizza Hut pizza to those cats" is not a genuine statement. The man probably just put down the box temporarily, while he dishes whatever can of food out to the cats. I get it. You don't need to say "There's probably a logical explanation that we just don't know about. You shouldn't assume". I'm not a fucking moron. What I said was made up. Your actual answer should have been along the lines "Holy shit, really!? Is he picking up the bread sticks for them too, since they don't have thumbs?" I'm joking around.

You are capable of that. I hear all your Skype conversations with your girlfriend. You two joke all the time about made-up things. It's all just for fun.

I'm not your girlfriend, and I definitely don't want to be, but why can't you just do that with me. Why can't you do that? I've hung out with your friends and acquaintances here. It's pretty much the same with them too. It's all observations and niceties between you and them. What about the nonsense-fun?

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I am making a genuine effort to engage you. I, otherwise, wouldn't have come all the way to Austin. What? Did you think I was just going to be here for the music festival and spend the most time possible trying to avoid you? I'm sure part of you did believe that's what I would do. That expectation of yours wasn't really unfounded either. Back home, I never would say much when you did drop-by. Maybe I'm crazy, but perhaps it's been different right this time around? Maybe I've been acting different? As much as I have loved going on my own adventures to hear all the random bands, I've also really enjoyed hanging out with you. The basketball game was great - neither of us have ever been or really even knew the rules, but it was a fun time. I've also been really keen on these climbing adventures with you and you know that. During our car rides, I speak because I WANT you to speak to me. So maybe it's time for you to drop "playing the good host" and just be relaxed.

Spurs vs Celtics, March 22nd, Row 11

I guarantee it is higher and harder than it looks.

We're all way too much like Dad, or at least that's what I think. You, ******* and me have always been the silent type around one-another, just like Dad is with us. It means we bond slowly, by just being within each other's presence. There's not much talk about feelings and there's never any mentions of relationships.

There's nothing particularly wrong with this, but you need to realize that I am trying to step beyond that. I'm sitting on my bed, facing you, while writing this. Your back is to me, on the other side of the room. We're both listening to Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip - his songs are oddly relevant to us. I'm tired right now, so I'm not going to attempt engaging you, just so that you can reply using generic statements of "Ya, I suppose so" and "Ah, that's interesting." For now, we'll bond in that old way, but know this: you and I don't need to be disconnected.

So for the last 4 days that I'm here, why don't you just give this a try:
For the sake of humouring me why don't you just go along with my tendency to take too many pictures with my camera.
For the sake of humouring me, why don't you not try to pre-plan my day.
For the sake of humouring me, why don't you just talk to me about nothing. Not something, nothing.

You might surprised. Maybe I have something I want to tell you.