Not To Be Ungrateful But...

Last week, while at work on my laptop in one of my favorite cafes, there was this one guy constantly twisting his head, looking at everyone else in the room. Nothing unusual, just the glancing that anyone does when surrounded by strangers. Every once in a while, he would peer to the side of his laptop and stare in my direction. I would never look up to make eye contact, but I could see in my peripherals that he was doing that.

One of my former gay friends used to always say that I never notice when people are checking me out. He's pretty generally right. When I'm surrounded by people I don't know, I tend to focus on what I'm doing and not pay attention to the turning heads and wandering eyes that may or may not focus on me. In a way, I'm actually uncomfortable when complete strangers look at me, because the self-conscious part of me assumes they're looking at me because they think I'm odd, ugly or they're making fun of me. This could be the topic of a post, but it's not right now so let's move on.

I continue with my work, until I eventually notice the guy gets up and sits in the chair directly next to me. At first, I feign caring and keep listening to the music through my earphones and typing away. From the corner on my eye, I notice him waving his hand to my side to get my attention. Uh oh, what does he want, I think. I pull out my ear pieces and look at him with raised eyebrows and small smile to show I'm listening and wondering why he wanted my attention for.

Are you getting the wireless signal on your computer?, he asks.

I check. Ya sure I am, I reply. My mind wonders why he come across the room to ask me this question.

He then thanks me for the help, but instead of going back to work, he asks: So, what are you working on?

Uh oh, I think. Flashing lights go off in my mind. No, he isn't. Uh...I'm not used to this type of situation... Oh man this is awkward like in tv shows...

I answer by talking about my job. I leave out its similarity to internet stripping. He keeps asking questions. I answer some more, always a few motions away from putting my earpieces back. I ask him a bit about himself, to be polite. He answers.

Then he says it.

Do you want to get a coffee with me sometime later this week?

That's right, I was asked out on a date. As I hopefully conveyed thus far in this post, the entire exchange before the question was pretty much me "deer in headlights". Of course the idea that a stranger checking me out conflicts with my insecurities of random strangers staring at me. Let's add to that with the fact that I'm really not used to people actively pursuing me and I'm definitely not used to being asked on a date, 5 minutes after speaking to a person. For me, leading up to asking someone out typically starts by getting to know a person over a few different occasions and then it just starts from there. In terms of who is chasing whom, for me it tends to be even. Someone coming on to me hard and immediate is overwhelming. On the other hand, someone pretending not to care, in hopes that I'll just keep chasing them is uninteresting and lame. I like the 50-50, equally reaching out and being coy. You can clearly see that I meet people through mutual friends and not going to bars/clubs.

I accepted the offer and did meet him a few days later. He was interesting - very much not a type of person I would go for, but a nice guy. He had good things going for him: Ex-Canadian soldier, trying to start his own company, good at talking (I admit still being a little bit "deer in headlights").

We agree to keep going with the vibe and go get some food together. I had kind of decided I wasn't interested in him about halfway through. He's a nice guy, but just not one for me. After the initial encounter, I wasn't into his looks. He also tended to refer to himself too much with the line I'm a man. Tip from Thomas: if someone has to repeat something about themselves often, then they clearly don't believe it. I did however think that he could be a cool guy and therefore a potential friend, so I went along with it.

Before eating though, we just needed to pass by his apartment to get something. I head over there with him. Once we're both in, he closes the door, looks at me and says:

God, I can't take it anymore.

2 seconds later he's pulled my pants down and his mouth is around my dick.
Maybe none of you are surprised, but I definitely was. Using my cheap cut/paste skills, here is the potential expression I had on my face:


Want to know what I honestly thought then? You're going to think I'm an asshole, but I'll share with you all anyway: Aw man, you're kind of ugly and I don't feel like pretending you're turning me on. Uh, I'd rather just go home on my own and get something to eat now...

I'm just not the type of person who can have sex with anyone. Sorry craigslisters, Gay.com and bathhouse visitors.
Have I ever had a hook-up with a stranger, based solely on looks? Of course. I'm sure it will also happen again. Most of the time though, if I don't find someone's personality or body/face attractive, I'm just not interested. I much prefer fooling around with someone I have some sort of connection with, whether boyfriend, just friend or person between those two. Again, I'm heading toward a completely different post so let's steer this story back on track.

The blowjob wasn't the end of it. I went along with the other stuff too; not sex, just fooling around.
At some point, we take a break and I insert the suggestion that I might head home soon. He pretty much ignores that and heats up some food for the both of us. We start talking some more.

20 minutes later, I decide he's nuts. Not the lovable oddities that interest me or little quirks I find cute. More like the crazy spectrum that encompasses secret societies, religion and Ive-never-taken-a-science-course-ever nuts. I don't care that he believes Egyptians knew the secret of the universe and time travel. I don't want to hear that he's a Mason. I definitely don't give a shit if he was born knowing the 3 all-powerful celestial symbols. Time for me to get out of there!

For the time being, I think I'll stick to not-noticing strangers who are checking me out. It lets me hide my insecurities and keeps the wackos away.