A Move I Might Regret

My current apartment rental contract is up at the end of December. Over the last month, I've been considering my options of what I will do about this. My other two roommates, who have never been mentioned in this blog and who will most likely never get mentioned because they are completely uninteresting (although quite nice), are going their separate ways. This leaves me with 3 options:

- I can find 2 new roommates
OR
- I can find a new apartment, with or without roommates.
OR
- I can move back in with my family.

I'm right now strongly leaning toward the 3rd option, as scary as it sounds.

Over the next 9 months, I will be looking for a new job or I will go back to school and get my Masters. In about 6 months, it will have been a full 2 years that I've been working for my current awesome employer. I still think my job is perfect for me, but I need to try doing something else. I mostly want to do something less medical, but more related to wildlife, ecology and conservation; something that puts me outside and using my body instead of being a desk-jockey. Likelihood dictates that if I get into whatever program I want or I do get a job in any of those fields, I will have to move away from Montreal. That is what plays into my choice for the 3 decisions.

I don't know where I'm going to be in 6-9 months, so I don't think I will want to rent an apartment for a year. I could rent, but then I'd need to find replacements tenants and all that garbage. Also, if I do get involved in any of the above-mentioned fields, I'll probably be stationed somewhere in the country so there will be plenty of things I will need to buy, including a car. Saving large amounts of money is therefore high-up on my priorities. Moving back in with my parents makes sense to the dollar bill signs in my head. They would also love to have me back at home, as they've already told me. If i do end up getting another job or going back to school in Montreal though, Xav and Tim have already shotgunned me to move in with them in the spring/summer.

Now here's the problem: Would me moving back in with my family make me go nuts and become depressed?

Since I've left my parents' house about 2.5 years ago, I've been so incredibly happy. My self-esteem, although not the strongest in the world, has been flying comparatively high since my freeing from my parents' grip. I'm comfortable in my sexuality with all my friends and I'm happy being independent. Moving in with them might just crush these parts of me.

Moving back would be a huge shift. Obviously, there would be the small bad things: essentially zero potential sex life; I wouldn't want to have friends over anymore; I would be farther from the downtown; I would be around my Mom way too often, since I'd work a lot from home; I would have to help with annoying chores; I wouldn't be doing my own thing when I feel like it. OK, so there aren't "small" bad things at all.

Now for the big problem: I'm not Out to my family and I don't intend on coming out before I move in with them. With regards to family, I'm still very insecure about my sexuality. I also do have a bit of separation between myself and caring much for them. You can review Part1, Part2 and Part3 of me talking about my myself, my sexuality and family if you'd like. I also know their views of homosexuality are still pretty negative. Just this weekend, my Mom called me and decided to randomly tell me about her day, while including:

...oh and a gay man was there as well. I avoided him....

Just hearing that judgement-filled sentence put me into a mini depressed mood for the rest of Saturday evening. Realistically, how am I going to last being around my Mom and Dad all the time if a little line like that can affect me so strongly? Would being around them maybe even make myself regress in terms of my own self-comfort?

I do have a hopeful note on this potential outcome: I've never felt comfortable to take the plunge of coming out to my parents when living away from them, so maybe living with them will bring me closer and give me the courage to say it. The 3-Parts family posts, I linked above, also say how I've mentally distanced myself from my parents and brothers. I think that living with my parents again could get me to feel closer with them and want to tell them. Easily, this could all backfire and I might just distance myself more from them, but this is something I'd be willing to try. I doubt that living away from them and then moving even further away would ever give me the courage to come-out to them in the later future anyhow:

Me: Oh, hi Mom/Dad. By the way I'm gay.
Mom/Dad: !!!!!
Me: OK, bye! I'm flying back to my new city and will be avoiding your calls for the next 5 months. Cheers!

Nothing is set yet, but the 3rd option seems the best. I would love some feedback or opinions.

At minimum, it'll give me a lot more flack to write about in the blog.