Coming Out to Mike

And then there was one: Mike.

Over the last two posts, I wrote how I came out (or how I was outed) to Tim and Xav. They both took it better than any of my expectations. I'll admit, I tend to be pessimistic with regards to queerness and acceptance of others, but anyway...

When talking about how Tim and Xav found out, I (hopefully) conveyed that I felt let-down by myself. Instead of actually being pro-active and facing my fear of coming-out, I just kept hiding it when it was obvious that they would both find out sooner rather than later. A friend outed me to Tim, by accident, and I didn't even bother being up-front with Xav when I was almost sure he knew. I preferred to let them deal with the confusion and wait for their reactions, instead of just going directly to them and saying it.

Neither of those situation compare to how I acted with regards to Mike. Mike finding out I was gay was the real disappointment in myself. When it happened, Tim had already known I was gay for 1 year and I had confirmed my sexuality with Xav 6 months before. Although we were all really close, I kept Mike in the dark for 6 months longer, even with Tim and Xav on my back to go through with it. Although Mike is one of my closest friends, he was effectively the last friend of mine to not know I was gay. All the insignificant acquaintances and even friends I didn't like so much knew before him. To top it off, like Tim's situation, I waited for Mike to find out from someone else's mouth.

Pole dancing in the metro

From how the conversation was retold to me, it went something like this:

Mike: I think Thomas and Liz might be dating.

Mutual Friend: Haha! Are you joking!?

Mike's Girlfriend: No, really. They're always hanging out alone...

Mutual Friend: He's gay!

Mike: No he's not.

Mutual Friend: Ha, yes he is!

Mike: No.....?

Mutual Friend:....OH SHIT.

Later that night, we were all at a party. Mike and his girlfriend arrived separately from Tim, Xav and I. Mike's girlfriend came and found me almost straight away. She told me that Mike knew I was gay and explained how it happened. She said I needed to talk with him because he was really confused about it all, especially since he had asked a few of our other mutual friends about me maybe being gay. Mike found out that all our friends already knew I was gay but they had just never talked about it (again, the unsaid taboo of talking about my sexuality back then).

Mike and Girlfriend (now ex)

And what did I do when Mike's girlfriend told me this?

Nothing.

I just pretended as if everything was normal, although I did speak a little less to Mike that night. I did care, but I decided to fuck all that and let the situation sort itself out.

And I kept that up for 2 or 3 weeks.

Fast forward to Mike's birthday party at a club 737, on top of one of the downtown skyscrapers. Great night. Really warm outside on the roof, looking out at the city. Lots of booze. We were all super drunk.


Toward the end of the night, Mike sits next to me, plastered out of his mind. He then looks at me and says:

Mike: I know...and I don't understand why you didn't tell me. Everyone knew but me, and... even then you didn't care. I'm OK with you being this...but you should have told me.

Likelihood dictates that he doesn't even remember telling me this since about 20 minutes later he was vomiting everywhere and then passed out.

What he said stuck with me though. The next day, when I could process it all, I felt like shit. I had kept one of my best friends in the dark until he was the last one to know. Mike, the one friend I've known longer than any other friend, was the last. And by at least last by 6 months, to boot.

He's never been the type of person to care much about me being gay or straight. He didn't really have any questions, like Tim and Mike had. He just accepted me as I was and moved on.

It's sad to say that our friendship did suffer. It suffered because he felt like I didn't trust him. I didn't tell him soon after Tim or Xav and even for those 2 or 3 weeks when he wasn't sure what to think, I remained silent. We grew apart for a good year. We still hung out in our gangs, but we never saw each other 1-on-1. We stopped talking my messenger and didn't call each other. Mike is the classic straight guy in that respect - if he's hurt by you, he won't say it. He'll just deal with it and pretend everything is alright, even when it's not.

All of this, I regret. I wish I had the balls to have said it myself, even if it was only as damage-control after my outing. I had 3 chances: I fucked up 2 of them and then I went and ruined the 3rd.

Clearly, there was and still is something I need to learn.