One last name for the books

All too often I look at my life, past and present, and think that I have things a lot tougher than most people. In reality, this isn't true - it's just part of human nature for me to get caught up in my own struggles. When I think about the situations other people are going through, I can be quick to say:

That's nothing. They have it easy. He/she just isn't willing to do something that's so clear and easy... They have no idea what's it's really like to go through....

Again, that's just part of being human. From my perspective, some conflicts can be so unimportant and easily resolved, while from someone else's perspective it can be so hard and confusing. The collective experiences I've had are different from other people's experiences, so what's hard or easy is accordingly different for each of us. If I push myself out of my self-absorbed, Western-centric world, I can easily imagine at least 5 billion people who's lives are incomparably more difficult than mine. Unfortunately, I'm human and most of us have a hard time looking outside ourselves to get that perspective.

You might think I'm going into some sort of guilt trip / let's think about the little people out there, but I'm not. The post is going in a different direction from ... (Aside: I don't think I portray myself correctly in this blog, because in actuality I'm a bastard. I can be very caring but I can also be a complete, self-centered asshole. I really wouldn't bother doing the whole think of the unfortunate people...)

Kieran is one of the very few people, or potentially the only one, whom I feel can understand my collective experiences and difficulties. From my perspective, he has had a tough (and interested) life. I can easily say he has been through more than anyone I know, including myself. We have faced similar, however completely different shit in our lives - think of it as the two opposite sides of the same coin - so different but still complementary. This is the strong basis of our friendship.


Although Kieran was not named before, I have eluded to him twice in this blog. He is one of the friends for whom I got a job at my work. It's his house where we would play video games instead of work. His photo is also at the bottom of that post. He then got two more photo-ops on the blog when I briefly mentioned my past attraction to him.


After being acquaintances with my greater group of friends for a few years, Kieran was brought into the circle soon after I gave him a job. Before then, my friends and I knew and really liked him, but never got close enough to become part of the regular gang. As Alicia, Kieran and myself hung-out via work (or "work"), Kieran and I bonded over our lives.

This, in brief, is what we learned:

We both grew up in loving homes, with both parents and 2 siblings each.

In primary school, I was diagnosed with leukemia (cancer) and spent the next 3 years being treated. For Kieran, life was normal.

In high school, I dealt with being was gay by descending into my ultra-closeted state-of-fear, protection and depression. I slowly mentally pulled myself away from my family, while maintaining a happy face for all to see.
High school for Kieran went as expected for a straight kid who excelled at school and sports, until his sister was diagnosed with cancer. The family would rally around her and her health would fortunately improve with time.

CEGEP would be start of [very] small steps for me accepting my sexuality, although still hiding it from my close friends and family.
For Kieran, CEGEP would be the shit hitting the fan. A walk home from his soccer team's game would end with him being jumped by a bunch of the opposing team's players. They apparently didn't like losing to his team, so they beat the shit out of him, putting him into a coma for a few days and forcing him to stay lying down for 3 months.
A year after that event, Kieran's mom would be diagnosed with breast cancer.

Entering university, his mom's health would steadily decline. As the unifying force and support in Kieran's family, his mom's sickness would cause a collapse in the lives of Kieran's sisters and father, along with his own. Kieran would try to take her place, but it would be too much. His sisters and father would each develop their own type of depression and problems. It would only worsen, when in first year of university Kieran's mom died.

Leading up to today, every month has been a trial for Kieran since he effectively became a parent to his two sisters and father.
Kieran's dad went deeper into depression and combined that with heavy drinking. Who knows what's gone through Kieran's dad's mind, but he has become deluded. He sold their family home and moved to the country, to get away from his kids, memories and be left alone. Back in highschool, it became apparent to Kieran, his mom and sisters that their dad was also gay - since there were plenty of unusual web browser entries - so that is likely to be connected into Kieran's father's psychoses.
All on their own, Kieran's sisters had only Kieran for help. Conversations by phone with their father would only end in abusive yelling. Although one sister has steadily gotten onto her feet and is starting to take control of her life, the other sister has always felt like she never fit in with the people around her. Like her dad, it's obvious she also has some deep rooted problem, which culminated this past summer with her attempted suicide by swallowing whatever pills she could get her hands on.

By comparison, my life has been smooth sailing. Just about all my friends know I'm gay and I've become incredibly comfortable with myself. I'm still afraid of how my family will take, some day when I tell them, and paradoxically I also have this internalized fear that I just don't care much about any of them. Oddly enough over the last few weeks I've felt increasing anger toward them, but that's a topic for somewhere else.

Clearly, Kieran's life and my life have not walked in each others' paths, however, like I said before, they've been reflection on the similar events, just from a different angle: The cancer, homosexuality, losing family and trying to keep them together. My sections of the blurb are short just because this blog has gone through them enough already. I could go into much greater detail about Kieran and his family, but the post has already gotten long enough.

People bond over mutual struggles and that is what Kieran and I have done. It's a comfort to speak with someone who has gone through so many things that could easily mentally destabilize anyone. I've spoken with him over moments when he's hitting the ground hard, but he always manages to come back. The loss of his mom, and essential loss of his dad is tough but he seems to be tougher. He has listened to my problems with my family and is always capable of giving a good perspective, that other side of the coin if you will. It's a widely accepted between all our friends that Kieran is the one person you can always count one when in need. I hope that I can one day been seen in such high regard as him.

This is not to say my relationships with Xav, Tim or Mike are weaker, but they really haven't experienced anything difficult in their lives. Obviously, I'm making that mistake that I described at the very beginning of this post by analyzing another's life based on my own experiences, but I just can't help that. As amazing as they are, I don't think life has tested them much just yet.

I guess it's time to bring this to an end.... Kieran, what can I say about him...
Well, he's felt something similar to what I have and I look up to him. I can't really say anymore.