From Zero to Rage

I like to think of myself as a cool-headed person - not a lot of things can bother me.

Wait, actually there's a whole lot of shit that can piss me off. The key, however, is that I very rarely get riled up over something that annoys me. I guess I could say that I take bad news and irritating people pretty damn well. There's no need to get angry or explosive, because in the end I consider the antagonizing thing, person or situation as something that probably doesn't matter or that I'm just too above to care about.
Someone being rude to me? That's fine, I just assume they're in a bad mood and move on. Some dickface insults me? I just laugh it off, turn it into a joke about him and then ignore him. I make dinner, serve it all onto my plate and then trip, launching my delicious meal against the kitchen wall? Well that's just hilarious and sad... but mostly hilarious.

That being said, only one thing pisses me off more than anything else, which I can't just forget, ignore or correct and move on: IF ANYONE, WHETHER ACQUAINTANCE, DATE, FRIEND OR BOYFRIEND CALLS ME A FUCKING PET-NAME, I WILL EITHER NEVER SPEAK TO YOU, DROP YOUR ASS, OR MURDER YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY.

No, this is not an over proportioned response! I have absolutely no idea why I hate being called a pet name so much, but I sure as hell know that I hate it. This one girl used to call me Sweety and Honey, probably because she hoped her overweight and depressive life could become some episode of Will&Grace. I just wanted to fucking push her down a flight of stairs, yelling "I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING SWEETY." I even corrected her once but she still did it. I held myself back from driving her head through a window and did my best to ignore her completely from then on.

Once on a date, the guy called me Baby. Instantly, I lost all interest in him. Actually, when I think about it, it was this guy. Haha, maybe that's why when I think about him now I get completely disgusted.

Using pet names as well established jokes between friends is "OK", but a little part of me still even feels some hatred. That means the ha ha ha of giving a friend names like Sugar-Plum, Poopsie and Honey-Pumpkin eventually degrades into "loving" names such as Bitch-Tits, D.P. and Breakfast-Handjob. I would always say I was joking, but really I wasn't so much... Even my friend Tim calling me Buddy pulls a little at the inside of me.

So internet people out there, should you ever discover my real identity and choose to stalk me and surprise me on the street, please avoid me shoving you into traffic by only referring to me using one of my 3 most common names:
Thomas, *** or ****.

Thank you.