Empty Home, Angry Mind

I love it when the house is empty. I can bring my laptop downstairs and work in the dining room, which is at the heart of my home. I can throw a few CDs into my family's rockin' sound system and listen to the jarringly high-volume music while working or typing a post.

This is one of the reasons I am very much looking forward to my parents heading for Florida on Friday, leaving me alone in peace for over a month. Looks like their vacation is gonna give me the experience of what it feels like to live on my own in an apartment again...well, a lavish, 3 floor apartment, stocked with food I didn't pay for, with giant TVs, a good sound system and neighbors that will never bother me.

Party-house, here we come!

Swerving the topic of this post in a different direction: as I sit here I am listening to an album by The Foals. A friend told me to listen to them a while ago. I really like the band now and I'm fond of almost all the songs on their latest CD (which is a rare feat. for me).

So where am I going with this?

Well, every time I hear the Foals' music I think back to a time when I was a horrible drunken/high asshole at an acquaintance's party. I am not gonna get into the details of that night, but it's safe to say I was kicked out. Why are these two things connected? Well I went to the party when I was at the height of constantly humming one of the Foals' tunes in my head. It's a weird connection, but it's nonetheless there.

OK Thomas, why don't you just get over that mistake? Shit happens, you live you learn, right?

That is true, but this relates to something of importance right now. You see, in early January, Xav and I had a talk. The usual shit: important things, stupid things, fake things - all the good things people should talk about. I mentioned that incident, aside, as a joke of how dumb I was (it was his friends to whom I was a complete dick). Using that as a segway, we got talking about myself. Xav dropped this doosy on me:

"Before you were really Out or comfortable with yourself, you used to get really aggressive and let's-destroy-everything when you were smashed out of your mind. It was hilarious but a little over the top.

Then you started dating or seeing other gay guys, and I noticed - or more in hindsight since you didn't immediately tell use about it - your personality calmed down a lot. When you were super drunk you were just happy and hilarious.

Now, I feel when you drink excessively, you're becoming angrier again. It's not like every time you have a beer you start being an ass, but it's more more frequent. It's been increasing over the last year or so."

Xav and I proceeded to talk about why that is. It's not a difficult guess: When I am seeing other gay people or dating guys, in general I become happier. When I'm not, my personality seems to backtrack to a younger, angrier self. I haven't been on any short-term successful dating in... more than a year. Clearly, when my inhibitions are loose, my resentment and annoyance shows.

Fast forwarding to today, I'm now being a lot more careful of how I act. Whenever I drink, my mind manages to wander back to the Foal's music and the horrible night it's connected to, which become a warning to me in the moment to check my behavior. I haven't done anything horrible since the beginning of January, but still it's in the back of my mind. I want to make sure not to get any worse.

****Edit: Actually, I technically did see someone in the last 6 months: during the Fall there was Guy from the Abandoned Building, if you all recall. But that was so short and not a real relationship, as I see it.